Expert Negotiation Tips for Women on How to Negotiate More Effectively

As I was writing my Art of Feminine Negotiation book, people challenged me about focusing on women. But I felt strongly that women have faced unique challenges in the realm of negotiation that men have not experienced … or at least not to the same degree. I hope to even the playing field by speaking to the elephant in the room. To that end, in interviewing other negotiation experts, I often ask what special advice or tips they have for women as negotiators. Here is a brief summary of some answers that I thought might serve you.

Isaac Betancourt

Former Hostage Negotiator & Trainer

Isaac Betancourt had this to say about his advice when training women hostage negotiators:

“Just be a human being. Be yourself. At that point, you’re more relaxed because you’re being your authentic self. You’re thinking about the goal, which is to save lives. If you’re trying to be somebody else, you’re making it about you. You’re concentrating on having to keep this persona, to give a particular impression, and that becomes your first goal. And whatever you actually want to obtain becomes the second goal. When your first goal is to keep up a persona at all costs, you’re already taking away from the real goal.”

Note: this advice applies equally whether in hostage negotiation, corporate negotiations or personal negotiations.

Always be your authentic self, don’t make the negotiation about you, and keep your focus on the outcome sought.

Paul Nadeau

Former Hostage Negotiator and International Peacekeeper

When asked what advice he had for women as negotiators, Paul Nadeau said:

“I have two things to say about that. The first one is that we are more similar than we are different. The person sitting across from me laughs, loves, leads the same way, may have a family just like me, may have a different colour skin, different religious beliefs, different whatever, but they are more similar. They are human beings. They’re my brother and my sister. So we are more similar than we are different.

The second one is, we get what we give. Don’t focus on the things that you can’t control. Focus on the moment, the things you can control: how you ask questions, how you deliver, how you engage. The pivot point is believing in yourself and believing the world is going to work out because you’re going to make it work out.”

Dr. Michele Williams

Business School Negotiation Professor

“I like to remind women that women are smart. It’s not so much that they don’t ask, it’s that they’ve learned in the corporate structure not to ask. They’ve been getting backlash, told they’re too pushy or too greedy or too selfish, and they learn not to ask. Then they’re disadvantaged by that.

I think that a lot of times women just need to draw on their innate strength because when they negotiate on behalf of others … for their children, family, community organizations … they’re tough negotiators.

Set high aspirations in the workplace and realize there are negotiation strategies that can really help them be effective. One of my favorite strategies (from Amy Cuddy’s work on presence) is using strong non-verbals. Women get more pushback for their language than they do for their non-verbals. When women come confidently into the room and speak calmly, that show of assertiveness is very helpful.

The second thing I have them do is think about themselves as if they were their friend and list all the things they would argue about why this person needs the raise or should have this challenging role. When they think of it that way, they have the list, arguments, and confidence in recognizing, ‘Yes, I’ve really contributed a lot to this firm. I’ve hit these metrics. I’ve contributed this to the bottom line. I’ve satisfied these really difficult clients,’ and being able to have that in mind when they come for the ask.”

Pam Lester

Former Sports Attorney

“The trick is not to show your fear, and not to feel that you have to fill the air. So, if you need time to regroup and to think, I think that’s fine. And the other thing is that if you don’t know something, I believe it’s okay to say you don’t know. That’s much better than talking, and you might end up getting yourself in trouble. And, of course, be open to calling in help. You can always take a break. It’s like calling a time-out on the sports field and get advice or regroup or do what you need to do.”

Joanna Shea

Negotiation Consultant

“In project management, there’s something called RACI. It stands for responsible, accountable, consulted, informed. When you run a project, you need to know who the stakeholders are. I take the RACI template and apply it to negotiations. You need to have a process to track your data because you need to keep it organized.

Also, begin with the end in mind. Consider what you want this to look like in the end.”

Jacqueline Twillie

Salary Negotiation Coach

“We’re taught to believe that if you want to be successful, you’ve got to be the toughest nail. You can’t be kind and empathetic because the nice woman gets the short end of the stick. So that unconsciously plays in her mind. And it’s not true.

Think of it as if you’re negotiating for someone else. When you’re negotiating your salary, think about your family or whatever makes you tick. That has proven to help women really move the needle. But it comes down to mindset. It goes back to unlocking our cultural norms and these unconscious things we picked up generation after generation.”

Leah Murphy

Executive Career Coach

Asked about advice for women negotiating salary increases, Leah Murphy had this nugget to offer:

“I think you have to understand what the priorities of the organization are. If the priority is bringing in new business and that’s a top priority, see how you can align the work you do with the organization’s priorities. Make a really clear association between what you do and how it benefits the organization. Focus on how your work associates directly with something that is of value to the organization.”

Tej Brahmbhatt

Wall Street Investment Banker

“For females negotiating with males, if they’re not respecting your space simply because you’re female, assume they’re outdated or archaic. Treat them like you would a narcissist, a bully, or someone with power who is not in your best interest. You want to somewhat acquiesce to their ego.

Here’s an example of how to approach them, so you’re calling it out, but tactfully, so you can get buy-in. As a woman pitching a male-dominated firm, say:

‘Listen, if we can do this venture, here’s something we noticed from our research. I know it’s not a direct result of your policies and procedures and how you operate, but you folks have done so many deals with male dominated companies. We wanted to work with you because we have so many ideas that would fit your ethos for the next generation. You folks talk about sustainability. What better sustainable approach than to get involved with our firm, a 100% female owned and operated business? It does two things. Think about the marketing you get from our entire following of empowered women all over the globe. Two, you folks can bring so much to the table because you’ve been around longer than us. I think that’ll be a powerful JV.”

These are just a few gems from my interviews with negotiation experts and their views on tips for women in negotiations. As all of life is a negotiation, I feel passionately that this skill is necessary to negotiate your best life. I hope this brief share has helped inspire you in some way to show up as the best version of yourself in your next negotiation.