Air Taxis: Now Your Uber Driver Can Crash in Three Dimensions

Remember the movie, “The Fifth Element?” Remember Bruce Willis flying a Taxicab?

Hang on to your Back Seat. Truth is now stranger than Fiction!

The All-Electric Airborne Taxicab. Whodathunk?

These magical airborne contraptions don’t fit existing FAA categories, so naturally, the FAA just said, “Ah, to heck with it!” and tossed the rulebook out the window. After all, why stick to boring old regulations when you can free-fall into the future? The FAA hadn’t updated flight rules since they approved the helicopter right before WWII—because who needs modern innovation when you’ve got 1940s thinking on your side?

But fear not! Pilots will receive “training,” which is super comforting until you remember that most of us can’t even reverse out of a parking spot without hitting a trash can. Now picture someone parallel parking—vertically. At least you won’t get stuck in traffic anymore—just in an awkward hover over Starbucks. And hey, what’s a little turbulence between friends when you’re sipping your half-caf latte mid-air, dodging the occasional mid-morning sky collision?

880 Pages of Regulation Nobody Asked For
Welcome to the bold new world of airborne optimism, where safety is more of a polite suggestion than a requirement. The FAA just dropped 880 pages of regulations on us, which is almost as thrilling as finding out your printer ran out of toner halfway through printing them. They’re calling these new vehicles “eVTOLs” because apparently, “Flying Death Trap” was too on-the-nose for marketing purposes.

This is the first new aircraft category approved since 1940, folks! Move over, helicopters—there’s a new player in the skies, and it’s electric. Because, if there’s one thing we’ve learned from Tesla, it’s those electrifying things with glitchy software make them perfectly safe. Don’t believe me? Check out my piece, EVs Are Like Muffins: They Look Good but May Burst into Flames Without Warning.

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

These flying gizmos are being pitched for all the important things—like faster airport trips, delivering cargo, and emergency medical services. Can you imagine the thrill? One day, you’re stuck in traffic; the next, your heart transplant depends on a flying Roomba piloted by someone whose only achievement is not crashing in Microsoft Flight Simulator.

And, oh, the glorious mayhem we have to look forward to! If you thought drunk drivers were bad on the road, wait until you meet your first tipsy eVTOL pilot. After all, what’s the fun of flying if you can’t enjoy rooftop cocktails before takeoff? Just a heads-up: there’s no pulling over to the curb when you’re a thousand feet in the air, folks. You’d better hope your pilot remembers the difference between the ignition and the eject button.

Investors: Hold My Wallet, I’m Going to the Moon!
Naturally, everyone with a wallet and a dream is throwing money at this airborne pipe dream. Delta Airlines, Toyota, and even the people who make Fiat are all in. Because nothing says “we trust the future of aviation” like Chrysler’s corporate cousins, right? Toyota alone dropped $894 million into Joby Aviation—because when you’ve mastered the art of building reliable minivans, obviously the next step is aircraft.

And let’s not forget Archer Aviation’s biggest cheerleader, Stellantis. Yes, the same Stellantis that makes Jeep Wranglers—the cars known for having electrical issues more often than they have oil changes. So, you know, great choice for the company building the future of electric air travel.

But hey, at least we’re not Lilium, the German startup that went from a $3.3 billion valuation to desperately digging through couch cushions for cash. Their government denied a $54 million loan, because apparently, even Germany thought, “Yeah, nah, we’ve seen enough sci-fi movies to know where this is going.” Lesson learned: if you plan to revolutionize air travel, always have a backup plan—and an air mattress, just in case.

The Skies Will Never Be the Same
Rejoice, humanity! We’ve traded bumper-to-bumper traffic for bumper-to-bumper air lanes. Who needs the reliable safety of ground-bound vehicles when you can risk it all in an electric sky toaster? After all, what could go wrong with letting the same companies that make minivans and pizza ovens fly you to your destination?

So, buckle up (or don’t—honestly, who’s checking?), sit back, and enjoy the flight! And if you spot Superman, maybe skip the friendly wave—he’s already halfway through filing his copyright lawsuit.