Picture this: You’re minding your own business when the phone rings.

On the other end of the line, a teacher or camp counselor informs you that your child has been acting out. Your face flushes with embarrassment, and you assume the story they are telling must be the whole truth.

When our children misbehave in public — whether it’s getting into a fight at soccer practice or throwing a toy at a daycare teacher — our instinct as parents often leads us to apologize and then, shamefully, reprimand or punish them at home.

But are you listening to your child’s side of the story?

Anger and Shame Prevent Parents from Listening to Their Kids

I remember a time when I was on my way to my daughter’s Girl Scout camp. There had been a fight with another girl, and I was told that my daughter had allegedly shoved her. As punishment, the camp counselor put her in “detention” in one of the cottages. Upset and concerned, I drove to the campground.

I knew my daughter, and I knew she wouldn’t just push someone without reason. Why is listening to your child important in situations like this? Because I wanted to understand, how can you show you are listening to a child in moments when they’re already feeling so vulnerable.

As soon as I saw her, isolated and upset, my gut told me something was missing from the narrative I had been given. I approached her and gently asked, “Honey, what happened?” Through tears, she simply said, “I just want to go, I just want to go!”

Despite her desire to leave, I recognized that running away wouldn’t help; she’d leave without anyone hearing her side of what happened, and worse, she might already start developing a negative reputation as a “bad kid.” I knew I had to advocate for her, so I used what we call the protective use of force.

I told her, “I won’t let you develop a negative reputation. I understand that your side hasn’t been heard, and I’m not leaving until it is.” That’s when she opened up: “Mom, she was bullying me — calling me names in front of everyone. I asked her over and over to stop, but she wouldn’t, so I swung my arm and told her to stop it. And then I got in trouble!” My daughter’s big sobs spoke volumes about her confusion, her embarrassment, and the hurt she felt at being punished for defending herself.

Should parents listen to their children’s opinions? Especially in conflict situations? Absolutely. As I found out, my daughter’s actions came from a place of frustration and unmet needs. When I spoke to the camp counselor and facilitated a discussion between the girls, it became clear that my daughter hadn’t needed “detention”; she needed understanding.

That day, I learned a valuable lesson: Are you listening to your child’s side of the story? If I had let anger and embarrassment dictate my response, my daughter would have felt even more misunderstood and attacked. She might not have trusted me to tell her side of things ever again.

This doesn’t mean that every time a child misbehaves, it’s due to an honest mistake. But there’s almost always an unmet need driving the behavior. As parents, if we take the time to understand that need, we can address the root cause and work towards a meaningful resolution.

Our job is to put aside our own fears about how others perceive us and make sure we’re genuinely listening to our children. That’s where true connection and understanding begin.

Anxiety is a common reaction during significant transition, but it’s important not to let these fears hinder progress. As the new school year approaches, consider these tips for addressing back-to-school anxiety to support you and your family in managing the challenges ahead.

5 Tips for Coping with Back-to-School Anxiety:

1. Talk About It.

Worries and fears can seem more overwhelming when kept to oneself. This applies whether your children are teens heading back to college or younger ones returning to school. Encourage open conversations about their concerns. Are they anxious about health issues, new protocols, loneliness, fitting in, academic performance, or disappointing you? Resist the urge to downplay or overly reassure; both can obstruct meaningful communication. Open dialogue is essential for coping with back-to-school anxiety.

2. Review Safety Regulations Together.

Examine the safety measures provided by the school. Ensure that everyone understands these protocols before the school year begins. Additionally, review your own family safety procedures, including emergency exits and identifying trusted adults, to provide an added sense of security. These actions are part of the tips to ease back-to-school anxiety by creating a predictable environment.

3. Get Bigger Than What’s Bugging You.

When addressing negative thoughts, teach your children self-talk skills to help them manage their anxiety. For example, if they’re worried, help them see these feelings as just one part of their experience rather than defining who they are. Encourage them to reflect on their fears and recognize that they are more than their worries. This approach helps maintain a sense of self amidst anxiety. This method aligns with the tips for addressing back-to-school anxiety by focusing on a broader perspective.

Consider asking questions like, “Are you excited to reconnect with your classmates? Are you looking forward to trying out new activities?” Such questions can shift focus from anxiety to anticipation.

4. Build a Routine.

Consistency and predictability can provide comfort, especially during uncertain times. Establishing a daily routine, whether at home or in college, can offer a sense of security. Include regular times for meals, schoolwork, and debriefing about their day to support their adjustment. This practice is one of the most effective tips to ease back-to-school anxiety.

5. Exhibit a Peaceful Energy.

Children often mirror their parents’ emotions. Displaying calmness and confidence when discussing the return to school can help your kids feel more at ease. Maintaining a peaceful demeanor is crucial for coping with back-to-school anxiety and creating a supportive environment.

If you need additional support in navigating your emotions during this transition, please reach out to our team for assistance.

Parents, we’ve navigated through challenging times, so be patient with yourselves and your children. We’re all in this together!

When life feels uncertain, we often grasp for control in any way we can.
You might hyperfocus on cleaning up the house.
You might micromanage a project at work.
You might even criticize your spouse for the way they do…just about anything.
And then, there’s trying to get your child to “behave.”

The belief that children should be controlled and should act according to our wishes usually stems from our own childhood experiences. And when kids don’t behave as we expect, it often feels personal:

They’re driving me crazy.
They’re making me frustrated.
They’re not listening to me.

We’re so focused on how our children make us feel, but what about them?

If they’re not listening to you, who are they listening to? What are they listening to? Why can’t they just do as they’re told?

The truth is, children are often listening to something inside themselves, just like everyone else. Have they been silencing their inner voice all day at school, only to find that they just can’t do it anymore? Or maybe they’ve buried their feelings to follow orders at school, and now they’ve collapsed into a flood of emotion because they can’t dismiss those feelings any longer.

Children might not have learned the skills to “get bigger than what’s bugging them.” They may not know how to connect with their feelings and be present with them in a way that communicates complete self-acceptance. This is why listening to the child’s voice is so important. Understanding why listening to your child is important helps them feel heard and respected, and can significantly influence their emotional development.

Rumi, the Persian poet, expressed this beautifully in his poem The Guest House.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Even as adults with years of training, it’s important to stay mindful of our feelings, to treat them like visitors passing through. No matter what arises internally, curiosity and interest in our inner experiences are key. The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice. By cultivating a skill of “Being With,” we can listen to our feelings without becoming them.

When we are centered and aware of ourselves, we can hear what each part of us feels and wants without letting any one part take control. This awareness allows us to guide our actions thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.

Of course, when we’re overwhelmed by a particular feeling, it can lead to behaviors like throwing a temper tantrum, riding a scooter through the house, or sneaking out after curfew.

Supporting your child in developing an awareness of their inner world helps them to “get bigger than what’s bugging them,” allowing them to accept all parts of themselves without letting any one part dictate their behavior. Understanding the benefits of listening to children also allows us to better guide them in managing their inner voices and emotions.

Understanding the benefits of listening to children and their inner voices helps us see how they are navigating both the outer voices in their world and their inner voices. When your child says “no” to you, they might be saying “yes” to something inside themselves. Get curious about what they are saying “yes” to within themselves.

Developing a strong sense of self is crucial for your child. You want to raise a confident adult who can advocate for their own needs. But without the right guidance, there’s a tendency to judge what inconveniences you and to try to control your child’s behavior. Remember, no one makes us feel a certain way — our feelings are our own.

Every parent I’ve worked with has tried to control their child in some way. But with awareness and effort, you can change your behavior and transform your relationship with your child. And, interestingly, when parents focus on understanding rather than control, children often start listening more. The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice, influencing how they perceive themselves and the world around them. How we speak to kids affects their inner voice, shaping their self-esteem and confidence. By fostering a positive and encouraging environment, parents can help their children develop a strong, healthy inner voice that will guide them throughout life.

Dear Katherine,

A parent expresses concern about their kids’ love for playing video games. The children seem to take genuine pleasure in this activity, and while they’re occupied, the parent has a chance to do household chores and enjoy a little time to themselves.

The parent wonders if there are better hobbies out there—but if the kids like gaming and it gives the parent a bit of space, is that so wrong? They question if they are making a parenting mistake by letting the children play.

Sincerely,
Guilty As Charged

Hey there, Guilty As Charged,

First of all, there is nothing to feel guilty about here! Check the shame at the door. Everyone’s human.

Gaming—and screen-time in general—is a sore spot in many parent-child relationships. It’s hard to imagine eliminating these activities because, as mentioned, the kids enjoy playing video games, and the parent enjoys having some space. Not to mention that screen-time has become an undeniable part of children’s social lives.

But of course, “too much” of anything can be a problem.

So what constitutes “too much” in terms of gaming? The answer: It depends.

Rest assured that it’s probably not necessary to put an end to the kids’ gaming. This kind of hobby can have a place in a healthy, well-rounded child’s life. The issue is when it becomes an addiction.

In a webinar with Cam Adair (founder of Game Quitters, the world’s largest support platform), who once struggled with video game addiction, Adair shared his experience. He dropped out of school, lied to his parents about having a job, and eventually experienced suicidal ideation. At the height of his problem, he was gaming 16 hours a day.

The discussion highlighted that one of the risk factors for full-fledged gaming addiction is using video games as a coping mechanism or a means of escape. The amount of time spent gaming matters much less than why they’re gaming in the first place.

“Why does my child like video games so much?” is a common question among parents. Often, it’s because video games provide a sense of achievement, excitement, and even social connection. Understanding this can help in managing their gaming habits effectively.

Here’s a good litmus test: If the child is gaming and they are asked to stop—for dinner, homework, or something else—are they capable of easily walking away? If so, there may not be cause for concern.

If they have trouble walking away, there may not be cause for concern either. If they are in the middle of getting to that next level at the very moment they are called, they may just need a few more minutes!

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It’s also important to take a holistic view of the kids’ lives outside of gaming.

Are they doing well in school?
Do they have nice friends?
Are they generally kind and happy?
Do they get proper exercise and nutrition?

The answers to those questions will help determine if playing video games is a solution for another problem—or just another activity that brings the children joy.

“Do video games affect children’s behavior?” The answer varies, but generally, moderation and balance are key. Ensuring that gaming does not interfere with their daily responsibilities and overall well-being is crucial.

“What to do when your child only wants to play video games?” Start a conversation about their gaming habits and show interest in what they enjoy. Plan family activities that can engage them and set reasonable boundaries without resorting to power struggles.

If there is concern, Game Quitters—Adair’s game addiction support community—is an excellent resource. But first, start a conversation with the kids about their gaming habits. Good old-fashioned quality time and better parent-child communication may be enough to keep them from entering unhealthy territory.

Tell the child that the family wants to spend time together, and be sure to plan activities that excite them. Steer clear of using power and control because that is guaranteed to activate the 3Rs (retaliation, rebellion, and resistance) and generate a resentment flow.

It is hoped this response gave some peace of mind to “Guilty As Charged.” The kids’ love for video games is likely healthy and normal.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine