Many have seen the meme, ‘I opened my mouth …and my mother came out.’ But how often does a teen open their mouth, and their parent comes out? As parents, when these memes become reality, they want it to be for the right reasons.
Recognizing those little phrases and expressions that teenagers use, imitating their parents, is common. Parents are their children’s first teachers — just as their own parents were. What happened in your past affects your ability to parent now is evident in the choices and decisions parents make. They decide what practices to repeat and what not to repeat with their children.
Children are keen observers of people, just as they observe peers and teachers, they observe their parents and learn good and bad habits from them. If parents express gratitude regularly in front of their children, the children are more likely to be grateful. However, if children see their parents being disrespectful, they will learn that discounting others is acceptable. It’s easy to assume everything children do is somehow related to what their parents do.
However, this way of thinking can discount a teen’s individuality, as well as the negative influence of peers and broader culture.
Did you know what influenced a parent’s childhood can profoundly change their parenting style? How does past trauma affect parenting? This question often arises as parents recreate what they experienced when growing up.
For example, a parent might take their toddler out to splash around in puddles because this activity is a special memory from their own childhood. Equally, some parents may try to do the opposite of what their parents did. For instance, a parent may never insist that their child play a sport because their own parent forced them to do so against their will, associating it with negative feelings they don’t want to pass on to their child.
Being conscious of their own childhood experiences can help parents become more aware of the meaning behind their reactions toward their child. How does your childhood affect your parenting? Consider:
- What was the message received as a teenager from parents — about intelligence, ability, importance, value?
- Do these messages influence parenting today?
- Did the parents have a positive impact in ways that are desired to be replicated with their teen?
- What was it in the parents’ approach to raising that should not be recreated with the teen?
- What — if any — were the significant events or experiences growing up that had an impact? Examples of this would be the loss of a loved one, parental separation or divorce, significant tension between parents, financial insecurity, parental mental health issues, or parental substance abuse. How is it impacting parenting?
How to Make the Change:
Parents can’t change their childhood and who they are, but they can improve HOW they are — as conscious parents. The impact of your childhood experiences on how you parent today can be mitigated with these practices:
- Don’t bad-mouth the other parent, and leave children out of arguments.
- Realize the world has changed since the parent was a kid.
- Don’t compare the child to other kids, especially their siblings. No child likes to hear ‘Why can’t you be more like so and so?’
- Be mindful of fears, and try not to instill those fears into children.
- Constant nitpicking and disapproval can stay with children. They are programmed to seek approval, and a cycle of not appreciating them creates a negative feedback loop.
- Be honest. Don’t lie to save their feelings, but look for an age-appropriate way to explain situations. Honesty with children can help change their behaviors and repair problems that have occurred because of parenting mistakes. There’s no need to put on the facade of being the perfect mom or dad.
- Don’t threaten to leave kids behind as a punishment. Even if frustrated or angry, avoid this tactic. The threat of abandonment is profound for a child.
One of the essential things in a child’s development, especially in the early years, is the bond formed with their parents or caregivers. Dr. L. Alan Sroufe, Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Minnesota’s Institute of Child Development, agrees with this. She says making the threat of abandonment, even in what could be a lighthearted way, can shake the foundation of security and well-being being provided.According to Sroufe, when a parent says things like, “I’m just going to leave you here,” the child can think they will not be there to protect and care for them. The thought of being left alone in a strange place is frightening and can erode their attachment to the parent as the secure base from which they can encounter the world.
- Don’t go for one-size-fits-all parenting. Dr. David Elkind, Professor Emeritus at Tufts University and a development expert, says: “The same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the carrot … The same parental behavior can have different effects depending on the personality of the child.”
- Own bad behavior. Children are like sponges. They absorb everything around them. This means they can mirror both good and bad actions. Modeling the behavior desired from a child is one of the best things a parent can do. What is done has a much more significant impact than what is said to a child.
Did you know the children of smokers are twice as likely to smoke as the kids of non-smoking parents? The best way to get kids to eat their broccoli? Eat it enthusiastically, and make it delicious for the kids. Children detect falseness a mile away, so believing in what is being done is an integral part of leading by example.
- Acknowledge what a child is feeling rather than dismiss it. Many parents make the mistake of telling their children they are experiencing a feeling they are not. However, they are more likely to say they aren’t feeling what they are feeling, creating distress and confusion.
For example, before children go to school for the first time, they may feel scared. Rather than brushing it off as being silly, consciously acknowledge the child’s feelings. Say: “I know you’re scared, but I’m going to come with you. We’ll meet your new teachers and classmates together, and I’ll stay with you until you’re not scared anymore. Sometimes excitement feels a lot like being scared. Do you think you are also excited?”
Embrace the truth and help the child work through confusing feelings. It will be much better for their health over the long term.
