Category: Personal Development

A while back, I challenged you to do an ‘apology fast’, pointing out the perils of over-apologizing and inviting you to raise your awareness about how often you unnecessarily apologize.  At the risk of sounding inconsistent, today I want to talk about the importance of knowing when and how to apologize. The issue arose recently when my daughter called me early one morning to let me know she was misinformed before entering into a negotiation, and found herself on the wrong side of the negotiation. She was asking for advice on how to proceed. That incident got me thinking about how this happens from time to time and that perhaps a follow up to my Apology Fast post would be in order to cover off the other side.

My daughter was worried that if she admitted she was mistaken, it would affect her credibility and impact her future negotiations. At the same time, she didn’t want to go forward with the negotiation knowing she was on the wrong side of the argument. These are typical concerns in this situation.

When we come into a negotiation we always want to assume we’re in the right. That our side is the ‘just’ side. To use a television show metaphor, that you’re wearing Olivia Pope’s white hat [Scandal]. But what happens when you come to the realization that you are on the wrong side in a negotiation?

Here are some tips I gave my daughter that day.

1.) Do your research and preparation

Preparation accounts for ~45% of success in a negotiation. Some experts put that number even higher. Suffice it to say, doing the preparation work in advance of a negotiation is critical. If you’re considering the 5 W’s [check out my ebook on this issue if you’re not familiar with that model] as I advocate, you should be fully exploring the ‘what’ – the substantive matter at issue. Always consider both (or all as the case may be) sides of the issue, knowing both your supporting facts and those that challenge your assertions. This is important so as to allow you to understand the other party’s perspective(s), to overcome objections where appropriate, and, of course, to ensure the validity of your own position.

In doing that prep work, you will typically uncover any weaknesses in your position and/or if the lay of the land is not as you initially thought. This allows you to modify your stance in advance of the negotiation.

Doing research was actually the way my daughter found out she was in the wrong, albeit a little late in the game. Had she done the requisite prep in advance, she likely wouldn’t have found herself in a compromised situation in the negotiation.

Having said that, even with the best research practices, things sometimes fall between the cracks and/or surprises arise, or perceptions may impact how we view an issue and require a perspective shift.

Regardless of how you end up in the position of being on the ‘wrong’ side of an issue or argument, how do you handle it when it happens?

2.) Acknowledge and Apologize.

When you find out you’re wrong, the best strategy is usually not to go silent, or ignore the other party, or focus on trying to figure out how to spin it, or continue to try to defend a position you no longer believe and continue the negotiation.

Most people assume that acknowledging an error or acknowledging we don’t know something will adversely impact on your credibility. In fact, the opposite is usually true. Owning up to errors and acknowledging when we don’t know (and undertaking to find out information) both build trust in relationships and increase your credibility.

So, if you find that you’re on the wrong side of an ‘argument’, acknowledge that fact. Give credit to the other party for raising your awareness on that particular issue. Be prepared to offer a simple and sincere apology.

And that’s it. Don’t try to defend your past position. Don’t draw out the acknowledgement or apology, making it awkward and making it a bigger deal than it needs to be. This simple strategy will serve to build better relationships and with it better outcomes.

My daughter’s acknowledgment and apology email response was sent as soon as she got off the call with me and took only 3 sentences. She received a response back immediately, saying: “Thank you, Jade. I really appreciate your honesty.” She built trust, rapport, mutual respect and in so doing paved the way for better negotiated solutions going forward.

3.) Don’t beat yourself up

You made a mistake. So what? Everyone does. Most likely, going in, you didn’t realize you were in the wrong. Yes you can, and should, learn from your mistake. But leave the guilt of your mistake in the past where it belongs.

If you got value from this article and you’d like to go deeper to find out how you can up level your negotiation skills to negotiate your best life, let’s connect

Imagine you’re waiting at a coffee shop for someone. You check the time and they’re already an hour late. How do you deal with it? Would your answer be different for a business associate versus a first date versus a grandparent?

If you’re like most people, how you respond will differ depending on who you’re dealing with. The same holds true in negotiations. One’s anticipated outcomes in terms of both relationship and the substantive matter need to be considered.

This is also true in considering whether you ought to get your negotiated deals in writing or not. Most people advise ‘always get the deal in writing’. Movie producer, Sam Goldwyn is attributed with the famous quip “A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on”. Lawyers in particular typically advocate to get written contracts. Many people believe a contract is only valid or enforceable if it’s in writing. Let me bust that myth. Contracts can be written, verbal or inferred by conduct (with limited statutory exceptions). The question is which best serves you in any given situation.

Today I aim to demystify this issue. And don’t worry, I won’t throw a lot of legalese at you. In fact, as a longtime attorney myself I’m embarrassed to admit that many contracts fall apart once lawyers get involved. With all the best intentions, lawyers’ natural inclination to protect the client at all costs typically leads to a lot of crossing t’s and dotting i’s for potential eventualities that are unlikely to ever come to pass. It’s the required cynicism of the profession to consider all possible negative consequences that may arise so as to protect against them for the client. This can often lead to heightened anxiety of the negotiating parties and raise fear of the unknown which can cause deals to fall apart over issues that weren’t necessarily on the table.

Like most people since March of 2020, I confess I’ve periodically binged on Netflix, including a lot of shows with courtroom scenes. In those scenes you often see the quintessential “as per section abc of [Document] it is the [Plaintiff/Respondent] position that xyz”. Usually these written documents/contracts helped the judge/jury decide the outcome in a given case.

Maybe you thought that was just entertainment, but as a lawyer for over 30 years I know the importance of these scenarios, not just in the courtroom but in everyday business.

Let me share a recent personal example where we didn’t get the negotiated deal in writing and it backfired. While in Mexico for a business conference, I realized that because my roommate booked the room (and was leaving a night early) I didn’t have a room for my last night. I called my assistant to book me the extra night under the preferred conference rate. And (as often happens in dealing with business in Mexico) after much haggling (that no rooms were available, that my current room wasn’t available, that the preferred rate wasn’t available … you get the idea) she finally secured the room at the preferred rate, assuring it was a simple extension of one night and I’d be able to stay in the same room without any hassle.

Sounds great, right? Wrong. Because my assistant didn’t get her conversation in writing, they locked me out of my room a day early and I had to expend considerable time and energy sorting the issue out (going through the same arguments: that the room wasn’t available, the preferred rate wasn’t available, etc). While I negotiated a better deal, in the meantime I couldn’t access my clothes or materials for the conference. Needless to say, it was inconvenient.

The lesson that can be learned from that example is that if you negotiate preferred terms or conditions or perks or benefits (whether with a service provider, supplier, or otherwise) it’s a good idea to get them in writing so there’s no ambiguity or wiggle room for the other side to back away from honoring the commitment. I’m sure you can think of a few examples where promises or representations were made by a salesperson or provider that weren’t honored. At a minimum, it’s good practice to take notes yourself of assurances you receive, including the name of the person, the date, time and substance of the promise(s) made.

While verbal agreements are legally binding, there is the issue of proof. A written agreement (if done properly) reflects the commitments of both parties. With verbal agreements, the problem of ‘he said/she said’ can arise and the matter may turn on credibility.

Other risks to verbal agreements include the fact that:

• people’s memories are imperfect;
• misunderstandings can occur where there’s not a shared understanding about the agreement;
• one (or more) party may be dishonest; and/or
• the person with whom the deal was struck may leave the organization and someone else is left to implement the deal.

There is a difference between a formal contract and other written agreements or acknowledgements. Again, both can be enforceable, but a formal contract should typically have the following elements:

• Identify the parties to the agreement
• Identify the subject matter
• Identify the terms and conditions
• Set out the consideration (what is being given in exchange for whatever is being received/offered)
• Signature of the parties

Having said that, sometimes a simple expression of intention in writing can suffice. i.e. going back to my example, a simple one-liner email from the hotel to my assistant stating ‘This confirms the one night extension of the room for Cindy Watson from [Date] departing [Date] at the rate of [agreed upon price].’

Here are a few additional tips for looking at your written agreement or contract:

• Make sure it is clear.
• If there is anything you don’t understand go back to the other party and ask for a clarification. This won’t make you look dimwitted but could potentially help clear up a misunderstanding.
• Watch the language of the contract. In negotiations, words matter, especially when they are on paper. You don’t want to get a negotiation in writing only to find it goes against what you were originally trying to argue.

Now let’s consider when it may not make sense or be necessary to get agreements in writing. As noted at the outset, you’ll need to consider both the substantive outcome you seek and also the relationship outcome you seek. Sometimes taking someone at their word can build trust in a relationship and strengthen bonds. Insisting on getting assurances in writing may cause offence and not be worth the cost in terms of relationship.

Further, sometimes people or providers are able to exercise discretion and latitude in offering outside or beyond the formal parameters. However, insisting on getting those commitments in writing might dampen the enthusiasm or ability to do so.

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room … those tricky negotiations dealing with family and friends. You would think these would be easier negotiations to navigate because you already have a pre-existing relationship with them. But negotiations with those closest to you are often the hardest because of the past and ongoing relationship. Asking for an agreement in writing could cause a rift in what may be a strong dynamic. And yet, in many family dynamics, getting compliance from a family member may be infinitely harder than from arm’s length business partners.

As always, being intentional about your decision whether to get an agreement in writing or not is key. There is not necessarily a right or wrong answer in any given situation. So long as you consider the elements discussed here, including the pros and cons of each approach, you’ll be ahead of the pack. Most people act (or not) out of habit or reflex without bringing intention to the decision-making process.

If you’re like most people, you probably think that dominating the conversation in a negotiation is a sign you’re ‘winning’. I’d like to invite you to consider that the opposite is true. Allow me to reframe negotiation altogether. Instead of approaching from a win/lose competitive mindset, what if I suggested you could get better results through a collaborative approach? Sounds crazy, right? Well, hold your hat, there’s more.

A few weeks back I did an article on the importance of Active Listening to become a more effective negotiator. I’d like to kick that concept up a notch and introduce you to the secret sauce of listening … a process I call Elevated Active Listening. The process itself is very simple, but unfortunately most people resist as it seems counter-intuitive.

Those who know me, have no doubt already heard that in my law practice, clients called me the Barracuda. They meant it as a high compliment. I used to buy into the myth that negotiation was about toughness … especially in trial advocacy. It took me many years to come back to myself and recognize the power in my innate strengths and feminine traits. Primary among those was the powerful impact of invoking empathy with intention in negotiations.

One of the shortest paths to empathy is truly listening to what people have to say. Listening with a view to understand and try to meet the other party’s needs. Understanding and sharing someone’s perspectives doesn’t always come easy, especially when a relationship may be contentious. But making that effort will always outweigh missing the opportunity to build on your relationship with the other person(s).

The late Dr. Stephan R. Covey remarks in his audio version of The 8^th Habit From Effectiveness to Greatness that most people have been exposed to massive learning time in the fields of reading, writing, and speaking. However, less than 2% of the population have had more than a couple of weeks of listening skill development. And so, it’s not surprising that so many communications break down.

Covey is oft-quoted for his observation that:

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand;
they listen with the intent to reply.

And it’s true. We have two ears and one mouth, yet we use the twin receptors much less than our squawk box. Why is that…unconscious ego? Perhaps.

I recommend you begin to monitor yourself the next time you have a conversation with someone. Who’s doing the talking? Are you truly listening? People like to hear their own voice and wish to be heard and valued. Self-validation is an unconscious reaction, much like the “flight or fight” response. It must be managed with intention.

If we can place ourselves firmly in the shoes of another, understand their inner motivation, relate to their needs, and together identify a shared solution that is better than has been considered, the barriers of competition evaporate. The path to this result is through elevated active listening.

So what is elevated active listening? Let’s take a brief step back and consider passive and active listening generally.

Passive listening involves giving your undivided and undistracted attention to the other person, paying attention to both the words the speaker uses and doesn’t use. It’s important to remain open to new ideas and perspectives, reserve judgment, and devote your attention to the speaker without anticipating when it’s your “turn” to respond. It’s harder than it sounds—especially since we’re conditioned to make immediate assumptions and judgments.

Active listening involves reflecting back what someone is saying to deepen your understanding and show that you’ve been paying attention. When you paraphrase a speaker’s words, ask for clarification, and remain open to feedback, you’re practicing forms of active listening. This is an important skill as it allows the other party to feel heard, and it also affords the opportunity for clarification if we’ve in fact misperceived the other person’s point (which happens often as studies show that our human perspectives of others’ positions are often erroneous).

And now for the secret sauce. Elevated active listening, which is a key element of HERsuasion™, kicks the art of listening up a notch. When you reflect and replay back the other person’s viewpoint to them as you understood it (as noted above in active listening), be intentional about framing their point of view in the most generous terms possible. Make their argument even more eloquently and persuasively than they did themselves.

I recognize this may seem counter intuitive. Why would we help the other ‘side’ by making their argument better? I invite you to consider that that mindset comes from a conditioned perception of negotiation as a competition. Dare I say, it comes from a scarcity mindset. In fact, by contrast, when you approach negotiations from a collaborative, abundance mindset, you’re more likely to get better, more creative outcomes, better relationships, better buy-in, longer-lasting agreements and more positive impact.

Reflecting back someone’s position in a way that is even more flattering than they articulated themselves can be a powerful way to build rapport and trust, both key elements to getting better buy-in and more creative outcomes. When I’ve adopted this approach in negotiations, I’ve seen a physical softening of the other side, a relaxing of the muscles, and a letting go of defensive postures. Invariably, it also results in triggering reciprocity wherein the other side rises to match the generosity and to better reflect back your position.

From this place, it is possible to come up with creative, unanticipated solutions in a way that would not arise from a place of one-upmanship or competition. Superior negotiation should conclude with an alternative that is better than had been considered by either party. In my view, this is rarely possible from an adversarial inward-focused stance but is regularly achievable when invoking elevated active listening.

Give it a try. You have nothing to lose and so much to gain.

Some negotiations are harder than others. And some may seem downright impossible.

Have you ever been in one of these so-called unwinnable negotiations? As a female lawyer who practiced social justice law for 30 years, I’ve had my fair share of people telling me I can’t win certain negotiations. And you know what? I proved them wrong. In fact I won many purportedly unwinnable precedent-setting cases, even though I was told it was impossible. They weren’t impossible; they’d simply never been done before.

So how did I do it? Read on to find some tips to win so-called unwinnable negotiations.

Understand why you think the negotiation is unwinnable

There has to be some reason why you think you can’t win a negotiation. Maybe you’re a new negotiator. Or maybe you’ve negotiated with this person (or group) before and lost. Or, worse yet, maybe this person’s track record is impeccable, and they have never lost a case. Maybe the power imbalance seems impassable. Whatever the reason, it’s important that you understand the Why behind your negative thoughts about this negotiation.

Once you understand the rationale behind your belief that you can’t succeed, then it’s easier to bust that myth. Identify the soundtrack playing at the back of your mind and get intentional about challenging and flipping that story. Look at the assumptions that underlay the belief and question them. Ask yourself if they’re really true. Consider examples that debunk the story. What would the opposite of the negative story be? Flip your story to flip your life.

For instance, if you believe you can’t win a negotiation because you are a new negotiator and you have “no hope” of winning against a seasoned counterpart, understand that you negotiate every day of your life and you don’t even realize it. If you have ever convinced anybody (whether it’s your kids, significant other, or parents) to do anything, then you have negotiation skills. Negotiation is about influence and persuasion. See my post on how you’re likely using the key skills that make and mark the most effective negotiators everyday in a myriad of ways.

Face Your Fears

We all have fears that can drive us if left unchecked. What’s your favorite fear poison? A few of the top hits are: Fear of failure; fear of rejection; fear of being judged; fear of ‘no’; fear of the unknown; fear of missing out; and even fear of success. Fear will tank your confidence, which in turn will you’re your credibility and persuasiveness. The words we say are only one part of our communications in bargaining. When we approach negotiations with fear, we undermine our effectiveness (both internally and externally) before we even get a chance to convey our message.

Recognizing your fears and the impact is a key first step to letting them go … or being able to use them to propel you to the next level. Check out my free book on No F.E.A.R. Negotiating  to help to master this process.

Go into the negotiation with confidence 

If you go into any negotiation thinking it is unwinnable then you are more likely to lose the negotiation. Studies consistently show that higher aspiration and expectation levels result in better outcomes in negotiation. Which is why, no matter what, you need to walk into that room with your head held high. If you need to do a few breathing exercises or jumping jacks or positive self-talk mixed with your favorite power pose before you enter the negotiation, then go ahead.

The aphorism ‘Fake It Until You Make It’ advocates imitating confidence, competence and optimism. I’ve also heard ‘Face It Until You Make It’. I prefer ‘Feel It Until You Become It’. So, even if you don’t feel confident, act like you are. If you walk into that negotiation a bundle of nerves the other side will see it and can easily use that against you. Assertiveness comes from confidence. Confidence comes from knowledge. Knowledge comes from preparation. You can do that.

Get training. 

With social media being what it is there are loads of free resources on how to negotiate.

Are you a visual learner? Love it or hate it YouTube is a great resource! The Women On Purpose YouTube channel was recently relaunched and new content is being posted at least once a week.

Are you more of an auditory learner? There are loads of podcasts available to help you negotiate! Women On Purpose’s podcast, HERsuasion: the Art of Feminine Negotiation™, for example, has over 60 episodes on how to win negotiations.

Maybe you learn better by reading or writing. There are loads of blogs and articles on the topic of negotiations (in fact you are reading one right now). As you are aware Women On Purpose has a weekly blog on elements of negotiation ranging from mindset and inner work to practical easy-to-implement tools and strategies to increase your ability to influence and persuade. We also have 5 FREE eBooks about negotiating that you can download and read at your leisure.

If you want to invest in your upcoming negotiations there are even more resources. Some of those resources include taking a course on negotiations. As of this publication the Women On Purpose academy has 5 online courses on negotiation that you can sign up for right now, and more in the works. If you want a more intimate training join a one-on-one coaching experience with a trainer. Being an attorney for 30 years, I created the Women On Purpose Mastermind, a 3–month immersive training one-on-one with me! Book your free Discovery Session with me to see if you would be a good fit for the WoP Mastermind.

Hopefully this blog post gave you a little more insight into how to negotiate the unwinnable negotiation. If it did, be sure to leave a comment below letting us know how.

They say ‘opposites attract’. While that may be true, it doesn’t always result in a positive experience for all involved. Let’s take introverts and extroverts as an example. I suspect that most introverts would prefer to negotiate with someone similarly inclined, thus creating an even playing field and a more satisfying experience. But increasingly, in our extrovert-driven society, introverts are required to negotiate with extroverts.

I confess this is something I gave very little, if any, thought to for most of my life. As an extrovert, I blithely careened through life with little appreciation for the effect my extrovertism may be having on friends, family, colleagues or acquaintances who were not similarly inclined. Having a daughter who most definitely falls in the introvert category changed that. It opened my eyes and my perspective. It’s one of the reasons I am now such a fierce advocate and proponent of the importance of active listening in negotiations.

I read up on the subject, including Susan Cain’s ground-breaking book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. I came to recognize that as the world rewards extroverts and encourages a bombastic attack on life, we have come to talk over, minimize and discount the voices of introverts. This is a mistake. We miss out on valuable input, insights, perceptions, and counterbalances. We lose the benefit of the creativity that comes from recognizing and respecting different approaches.

INTROVERT VS EXTROVERT

People often assume that the difference between introverts and extroverts is that the former are shy and the latter are outgoing. That oversimplifies the issue. Introverts tend to be more introspective, often preferring to work alone, and typically thinking through ideas before speaking. Extroverts tend to prefer to work in groups, formulating their ideas and views as they speak.

BENEFITS OF INTROVERSION IN NEGOTIATION

Our traditional definition of success in negotiation was based on a misapprehension that toughness carries the day and that the person talking the loudest and longest wins. Both are myths. In fact, introverts increased tendency to listen intently; ask deep questions; seek to understand the other person’s position and needs; prepare thoroughly; and avoid speaking without considered thought are all significant assets and key skills required in negotiation.

In fact, it is this ability to approach a negotiation, as a conversation wherein you seek to get deeper understanding of the underlying and unstated needs, that allows for new perspectives and opens paths for more creative unanticipated outcomes that serve the higher good for all involved.

Perhaps it’s time we dispelled the myth that introverts are at a disadvantage in negotiation and started to view the traits of introverts as a strength rather than a liability.

NEGOTIATING TIPS FOR INTROVERTS:

I              MENTALLY PREPARE

Introverts need to get into the right mindset to negotiate. Understand that while this may be difficult, it is possible. Recognize any limiting beliefs about your aspiration levels and expectations in advance of the negotiation and flip those beliefs that don’t serve you (i.e. any beliefs or expectations that the process will be challenging and/or that your chances of success are in any way limited).

Going into a negotiation with confidence about your ability to achieve your desired outcomes increases your effectiveness and ability to do so. Studies show that our expectations affect both our motivation levels and our outcomes.

II             UNDERSTAND YOUR VOICE IS VALID

Introverts’ voices are valid. When an introvert negotiates with an extrovert, they have to own that fundamental truth at their core. Own that voice. Recognize its undeniable value. Just because introverts don’t talk ‘a million miles a minute’ (as my daughter no doubt perceives me), or their voice might not ‘boom’, or they don’t talk over others in the room to make their point, does not mean that their point isn’t important.

In fact, I invite you to consider that because introverts tend to give fulsome thought to their ideas before giving them voice arguably makes their point of view even more valuable to consider in the moment. Introverts’ opinions matter. Yet, if, in a negotiation, they don’t own their voice, the value of their contributions is lost altogether. This is a significant loss.

III           LEARN AND TRUST YOUR NEGOTIATION STYLE

There are various negotiation styles. The Harvard Business Review has an assessment to figure out an individual’s true negotiation style. While I recommend everyone take this test, it is especially relevant for when an introvert negotiates with an extrovert. If an introvert doesn’t understand or trust their true negotiation style, they are more likely to be overpowered and talked over and the negotiation will be taken over by the extrovert. Knowing and trusting your natural negotiation style is a foundational building block to allowing you to step into your most powerful negotiator.

IV           STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF

An introvert may think when they negotiate with an extrovert that they have to match the extrovert’s level of energy. That is not true. And it often leads to ceding power to the extrovert because s/he is in their element while the introvert is stuck trying to fit into their perception of how to negotiate as an extrovert, which often ends badly for the introvert. Thus once an introvert finds their true negotiation style they should negotiate from within their power realm, recognizing it as their strength.

V             USE YOUR INTROVERTISM AS AN ADVANTAGE

Let’s be honest, we have all seen extroverts talk themselves into messy situations. As an introvert, use that to your advantage. Let the extrovert talk their way into a corner. Then, using your natural negotiation style, point out what just happened. Don’t gloat, but rather, come from a place of compassion, rapport-building and empathy and use the moment to build a bridge for more open, respectful dialogue. Reflect back what you understand the position of the other person to be, ask deep questions, uncover and understand the needs (both stated and unstated) and use it to come to a better outcome for all.

Hopefully you got some helpful tips and insights from this blog post – whether you’re an introvert, extrovert or ambivert. If you have, be sure to comment on this post letting me know your thoughts. If you’d like to explore working with me to up-level your negotiation skills, feel free to book a Breakthrough Session

When you walk through the toy section at your local Target, what colors do you see? Typically, half the store is pink, filled with princesses and dolls, and the other half is blue, black, or red, packed with trucks and sports gear.

While a gendered toy section may not seem like a big deal at first glance, our early introductions to biased concepts of gender have far-reaching effects and consequences. Many gender stereotypes are ingrained into people’s subconscious during childhood, and they show up everywhere, from the playground to the workplace.

Throughout history, gender biases and stereotypes have put women at a disadvantage, limiting their career potential and excluding them from male-dominated sectors—which, historically, have been nearly all of them.

But what if I told you that you can make gender stereotypes work for you rather than against you? What if I told you that when you learn to recognize gender bias, you can use it to help negotiate for what you need and desire most?

Identifying Early Concepts of Gender

When you were a young girl, were you encouraged to quietly create crafts or play turn-taking games like hop-scotch? Alternately, were your brothers or the local neighborhood boys encouraged to play competitive sports like football or basketball?

Harmless as it may appear, that early coaxing is integral to shaping children’s skills and interests. In its simplest form, it conditions girls to be collaborative and nurturing while conditioning boys to be assertive and combative.

Here’s the truth: these gender stereotypes are not necessarily rooted in science. Not all boys are naturally more competitive, and not all girls are naturally more nurturing. Rather, society encourages children to develop separate skills from an early age. Research shows that kids between the ages of 3 and 7 have already formed distinct concepts of gender!

You can see the early effects of gender biases and expectations when asking a kid what they want to be when they grow up. Typically, girls cite women-dominated careers like teachers and nurses, while boys choose stereotypically masculine jobs like firefighters or pilots.

These early concepts of gender remain throughout adolescence and adulthood, confining people to societal expectations and threatening to limit their true potential as human beings.

Recognizing Gender Bias in the Workplace

The gendered assumptions enforced during childhood linger through adulthood and into people’s careers. The Fawcett Society, the UK’s leading advocate for gender equality and women’s rights, found that 51% of people feel that gender stereotyping in childhood constrained their career choices later in life.

The competitive traits that boys develop at a young age lead them to adopt steadfast attitudes as men. In the workplace, men come across as rational and logical, emphasizing objective fact over subjective opinion. Gender norms permit men to be more dominant and authoritative in their approach, feeding the stereotype that men are more direct and effective.

Women, on the other hand, are conditioned to value collaboration. They’re more inclined to form alliances and prioritize strong relationships. When they find themselves in situations (especially in the workplace) that aren’t conducive to collaboration, they may become passive, submissive, and tense. This tendency leads to deferential behavior and tentative speech patterns, like using the doubtful phrases “I think” and “I’m not really sure” to sound less forceful and more participatory.

Do you see yourself succumbing to these gender stereotypes and constraints in your own personal and professional life? It’s hard to undo society’s conditioning, but recognizing gender biases for what they are can help you overcome their limitations and use them to your advantage.

Using Gender Bias to Your Advantage in Negotiation

There’s a temptation to reject gender stereotypes entirely—and I can certainly understand that inclination! We’re gradually moving further away from a traditionally gendered society, but we’re still not quite there yet. As long as gender bias still exists, I suggest finding ways to make these stereotypes work to your advantage:

Flip the gender stereotype. We’ve all heard the phrase “act like a lady,” often used derisively to imply that women should passively smile and nod to avoid conflict. People generally expect their female adversaries to behave less competitively and more cooperatively, so use this knowledge as your secret weapon and allow them to underestimate you! While aggression comes across as threatening and offensive (both counterproductive in negotiation), an assertive approach will help you embrace your power. Take control and demonstrate a firm but fair demeanor. You’ll take the advantage when you show them you’re in control. This control comes from being prepared for your negotiations.

Come prepared. Did you know that women are less likely to be considered the authority on a given subject? Put this sexist stereotype to rest and show your counterpart that you know exactly what you’re talking about! Thorough preparation can guard you against being taken advantage of in negotiation, enabling you to test your counterpart’s claims with ample research.

In addition to preparing for the subject matter(s) at issue, also be sure to include consideration of the 5 W’s as part of your preparation process. The 5 W’s are an integral part of my Art of Feminine Negotiation system and will give you a profound advantage when applied with intention. Grab your free copy of my 5 Secret Weapons to More Effective Negotiating book here.

Combine gender stereotypes. In her ground-breaking book Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead, Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg suggests that women are most successful in the workplace when they combine their stereotypically feminine attributes, like smiles and friendly gestures, with so-called masculine characteristics of assertiveness and independence. Harness the power of your femininity from a position of strength!

To be clear, I’m not suggesting you ‘act like a man’. Rather, embrace your feminine traits as your greatest strength. Bring rapport-building, empathy, flexibility, intuition and trust-building skills to the table. Own them. Use them with intention. Studies show that bringing these traits to your negotiations will get you better, more creative outcomes, build better relationships, get better buy-in and longer-lasting agreements with more positive impact.

See yourself as your own advocate: Women tend to negotiate more assertively for someone else because they feel more comfortable pushing for the good of others. If you had a child or a loved one in need, you would fight to get them what they deserve. I implore you to negotiate for yourself as passionately as you would advocate for someone else! Afford yourself the same courtesy and recognize your inherent value.

I hope you come away from this blog post feeling empowered to use gender biases to your full advantage in all your negotiations. If you’d like to learn more about my proven approach to effective negotiation, let’s talk today!

Have you ever told a story that means something to you, only to realize the person you were speaking to was looking at their phone the whole time, not paying attention to a word you said? You probably felt like they didn’t value you or care about what was important to you. You’re not alone. It can be infuriating!

Distracted behavior in an everyday conversation is frustrating and disappointing, but during an important negotiation the consequences can be dire. This holds true for your personal and professional negotiations, whether you’re bargaining over what movie to watch with the kids or negotiating multi-million dollar business deals.

Listening intently is especially vital in professional settings where success directly depends on the ability to communicate effectively. This skill is at the heart of HERsuasion™: the Art of Feminine Negotiation.  When we practice active listening, we tune out all of the distractions surrounding us, allowing us to focus on ensuring the other person feels truly heard and understood. Ultimately, this critical skill gives you the edge in any negotiation.

What Is Passive vs. Active Listening

Listening demands silence: you literally have to stop talking in order to observe the other person in the conversation. While receiving information itself requires temporarily taking on a passive role, the active part of listening refers to how you respond to that information.

Passive listening involves paying attention to the words the speaker uses (and doesn’t use), remaining open to new ideas and perspectives, reserving judgment, and devoting your attention to the speaker without anticipating when it’s your “turn” to respond. It’s harder than it sounds—especially since we’re conditioned to make immediate assumptions and judgments.

Active listening involves reflecting what someone is saying back to them to deepen your understanding and show that you’ve been paying attention. When you paraphrase a speaker’s words, ask for clarification, and remain open to feedback, you’re practicing forms of active listening.

Elevated active listening, which is a key element of HERsuasion™, kicks the art of listening up a notch. When you replay back the other person’s viewpoint to them as you understood it, be intentional about framing their point of view in the most generous terms possible. Make their argument even more eloquently or persuasively than they did themselves. While this may see counter-intuitive, it can be a powerful way to build rapport and trust, both key elements to getting better buy-in and more creative outcomes.

Strong active listeners form a thorough understanding of what other people are saying and in turn make them feel seen, heard, and understood.

How to Become a Better Listener

Becoming a better listener begins with paying attention to the person who’s talking to you. The trick here is to focus on nonverbal cues like tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, and momentum of speech. These nonverbal cues hint at the speaker’s attitude, positioning us to empathize and meet them at their level. Picking up on whether someone is frustrated, resistant, or cheerful allows us to adapt as listeners and negotiators.

Believe it or not, noticing nonverbal cues is a lot less complicated than it sounds. You know more than you think you do! Research suggests that even babies too young to master language have a basic understanding of nonverbal communication.

Beyond focusing on the speaker, be intentional with your own behaviors to show you’re engaged in the conversation even if you’re not speaking:

Show interest. The speaker wants to know you’re engaged, so use body language that demonstrates attentiveness, like leaning in, smiling, and nodding. Face the person you’re talking to directly, rather than turning away from them. Consider your arms: are they crossed or relaxed? Rely on your own body language to communicate interest but be cautious: fidgeting can be perceived as impatience, disinterest, or even disrespect, so try to keep your body fairly still.

Make appropriate eye contact. Eye contact suggests that you’re focused. Try to make consistent eye contact without lingering or staring, as that can be awkward or intimidating. Importantly, note the speaker’s eye contact. If they avoid looking you directly in the eye, they may be sensitive or uncomfortable. Shifting their gaze might better allow them to process information. The more you can observe and adapt, the better the conversation will go.

Avoid interruptions and distractions. Interruptions like clicking your pen or checking your phone immediately disrupt the flow of conversation. Remove all possible physical disruptions. Additionally, avoid imposing your views or suggestions when the speaker is still taking their turn. Interjecting your own words can throw someone off balance and distract them from completing a thought.

Be comfortable with silence. Always pause to allow the speaker (and yourself!) to collect their thoughts. Conversations and negotiations should not be verbal sparring matches: you don’t always have to jump in, reply, or comment. Providing a moment of grace can even work to your advantage. Let the other person divulge their solutions, ideas, thoughts, and concerns before you give up yours.

Accommodate different learning styles. Everyone absorbs information differently. Acknowledge auditory, visual, verbal, or kinesthetic learners by attending to their specific learning style and meeting them on their level. Some people are quick to absorb new concepts, while others may take more time to process information. Be respectful of their needs. Likewise, avoid the urge to conclude people’s thoughts and ideas for them. Trying to help somebody along might actually stifle their self-expression.

Enforce the 80/20 rule. Listen, listen, listen! As a rule of thumb, 80% of your conversation should involve you listening to the other person compared to just 20% talking. Devote the majority of your conversation to listening, observing those critical nonverbal cues, and confirming your understanding of the speaker’s point of view.

Once you’ve listened and absorbed the speaker’s ideas, look for opportunities to build onto what they’ve said before sharing your own perspective and ideas. The speaker will feel respected and heard—and that will reflect positively on your patience and empathy.

The Value of Listening in Negotiation

The most valuable tool in negotiation is the ability to truly understand the other person’s needs and desires. To get what you want, you must know what drives you (what I call your “why”) and balance that against the other person’s desires (their “why”).

An expert negotiator listens intently to the other person’s “why” and capitalizes on its intersection with their own “why.”

Traditional workplace environments celebrate a confrontational negotiation style that’s inherently combative. People make the mistake of assuming they know the other person’s intentions and then communicate without really ever listening. Neither party feels heard, minimizing the chances of reaching a solution even when one is readily available.

In my free No F.E.A.R Negotiation eBook, I outline steps to approaching negotiation without Fear, Ego, Attachment, or Reactivity (F.E.A.R). One of the classic ways Ego presents itself is talking too much instead of listening. Rambling on is troubling for a number of reasons, as it can suggest uncertainty or even monopolization of a topic. If you’re talking too much, you aren’t listening, and you certainly aren’t negotiating on the winning side.

A Salesforce survey shows that business leaders attract more support when they empower their employees by listening and making them feel heard. There are enormous benefits to demonstrating that you can listen. We all want to know that our position is being thoughtfully considered and respected!

The better you understand what someone else wants, the more skillfully you can negotiate. Practicing active listening ensures that you always know where the other party stands. Want to learn more? Download my No F.E.A.R Negotiation eBook or reach out directly for a consultation!