Lately, it feels like my house is a warzone. I try so hard to stay calm and connected with my kids being their friend, but I find myself yelling, slamming doors, and then feeling horrible about it afterward.
I’ve always believed in being close with my children, maybe even their ‘best friend,’ but now I’m wondering if I’ve lost the ability to parent effectively. Where’s the line between being emotionally available and being the one in charge?
– Exhausted but Trying
—————————-
Hi Exhausted but Trying,
First, I want to say thank you for your honesty. You are not alone in this. I hear versions of this story all the time from loving, committed parents who are doing their best. And yes, sometimes our desire to be close with our children can blur the boundaries they truly need from us.
When the line between connection and authority gets muddled, home can start to feel like a battleground. After months (or years) of shared space, overlapping responsibilities, and growing stress, it’s no wonder tensions boil over. A single disagreement can spiral into shouting, crying, or even full-on meltdowns. And that’s just from the adults.
That out-of-control feeling you describe is not a personal failure. It’s a sign that you need better tools, not more guilt.
First, Start with Self-Compassion. When your child pushes your buttons, your nervous system reacts. And when you’re running hot, you don’t show up as the parent you want to be.
Take a breath. Offer yourself compassion. Forgive yourself for the moments you weren’t proud of.
Self-kindness is not weakness. It’s modeling. When your children see you extend grace to yourself, you’re teaching them how to be kind to themselves too.
Then Try the 3-Step ACTion Plan
This isn’t about becoming your child’s best friend, they just need to know you’re gonna love them no matter what. It’s about being their guide, their safe container, and their emotional coach, especially when things get tough.
- Acknowledge Their Feelings and Needs
Children often act out when they can’t name what they’re feeling. Try asking: “Are you feeling angry because your sister took your toy without asking?” Questions like these help your child feel seen and give you clues about what’s underneath the behavior. Then guess the underlying unmet need so they can learn to connect their feelings to their needs. Is it that you would like choice about when you share and when you don’t?
2. Communicate (But Not in the Heat of the Moment)
Once you validate their emotions, wait until they feel understood before trying to correct or teach. The teachable moment we crave doesn’t happen in the middle of the storm. It happens later, when the calm has returned.
Yes, it’s important to explain that hitting isn’t okay. But instead of focusing on punishment, guide your child toward learning self-regulation. Most kids already know hitting is wrong. What they’re missing is the skill to pause and choose differently in the moment.
Based on the age of the child they can learn how to say: “when you grab my things and don’t give me the choice to share or not I am not okay with you violating my boundaries. I am sorry I hit you, and still not okay with your grabbing.”
3. Target a New Solution Together
Invite your child to help solve the problem. Whether it’s agreeing to take turns with a toy or finding a safe way to see friends, collaboration builds trust and skills.
When you problem-solve with your child, they learn that their needs matter, and so do yours. This shared approach builds trust, strengthens connection, and reinforces healthy boundaries.
Parenting is about your child knowing they can come to you to talk about anything, that your love is unconditional and that there’s no problem too big that can’t be shared. It’s about showing up with presence, reflection, and the courage to lead with love, honesty and your truth. When you step into the role of conscious guide—not peer—you create the emotional safety your child truly needs to thrive.
Love and Blessings,
Katherine Sellery
