As a leader, I’ve spent time thinking about feedback to team members. Giving it, receiving it, getting it wrong, getting it right.
It separates amateurs from the pros. And the more I explore, the more I realise there isn’t just one way to do it.
For a long time, I thought I had it figured out. I was using a method I had come across, BFIR, a structured, no-nonsense approach:
• Behaviour
• Feeling
• Impact
• Request
It’s direct. It’s clear. I was told it gets results.
And while some situations do call for a blunt statement, others need something finer, something more precise.
I began to wonder whether there was another way.
Could feedback be just as effective without feeling like a confrontation?
That question led me, through my podcast Manage Self, Lead Others™, into a conversation with mediation expert Scott Dutton.
A FEATHER, NOT A HAMMER
Where BFIR is mostly one-way, direct, and straight to the point, Scott’s method is built around subtlety.
It isn’t about telling people in one breath where they went wrong. It’s about inviting them into the conversation.
It reframes issues in neutral terms, so when the conversation begins, defensiveness isn’t already in play.
“Hey, do you have a few moments? I’d love to chat about meeting times and make sure we’re on the same page.”
That approach made sense to me.
BFIR, despite its effectiveness, can sometimes feel one-sided. Scott’s approach begins with curiosity instead of assumptions.
“How do you see this?” rather than “You did this wrong.”
“Tickling with a feather,” I joked, “while I’ve been swinging a sledgehammer.”
Scott smiled and nodded. “Some people need a sledgehammer,” he admitted, “but most don’t.”
That comment stayed with me.
Where I once saw precision and clarity as the holy grail, Scott valued a softer, more conversational approach.
Less about delivering a verdict, more about drawing people into dialogue.
If BFIR cuts quickly and directly, like a sharp chef’s knife, Dutton’s method is more like slow braising.
The flavours develop. The tension eases. The truth emerges naturally.
That conversation prompted a bigger question: what kind of leader do I want to be?
One who delivers the sharpest feedback possible? Or one who makes space for conversation and allows people to reach their own realisation?
The reality is, both approaches work. Timing is everything.
Sometimes you need the precision of BFIR. Other times, you need the interpersonal intelligence of Dutton’s style.
The real skill?
Knowing when to use which.
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Manage Self, Lead Others™ Episode 86 features a conversation with mediator Scott Dutton, which forms the basis of this article.
Audio:
Video:
You can explore these ideas further in my book, “Manage Self, Lead Others: Constructive Conversations, Real Self-Leadership and Culture You Can’t Fake”
(2025; paperback, Kindle, and audiobook).
As a CSP (Certified Speaking Professional), I speak at conferences on Constructive Conversations, urging leaders to rethink calling them Difficult Conversations.
You get what you name.
View my showreel and other speaking topics here:
Or schedule a conversation with me here:
