Are you wondering why your teen suddenly wants nothing to do with you?
Your sweet child who once made you rub their back every night until they fell asleep may now barely even want to be seen with you. This is part of a complex developmental stage known as individuation.
It’s Not You, It’s Individuation
According to physician and psychiatrist Margaret Mahler, a child’s life begins in a symbiotic relationship with their primary caregiver before they eventually realize their separateness and form an autonomous identity.
This process of individuation often shows up through classic adolescent behavior: needing more space, prioritizing peers, and expressing strong emotions.
As hard as it can be to feel your child pulling away, remember that this is a natural and necessary part of growing up. Your teen is learning to develop independence, identity, and inner direction. What they need most from you right now is understanding and support as they practice standing on their own.
3 Conscious Parenting Shifts to Support Your Teen’s Individuation
1. From “Manager” to “Consultant”
Parent: It feels like my teen doesn’t need me anymore. Should I just step back?
CPR Guidance: You’re still deeply needed, just in a new way. In early childhood, you managed everything from meals to outbursts. As your teen matures, your role shifts from being their manager to being their consultant.
Offer guidance instead of control. Ask questions instead of giving directions.
You might say, “What do you think will happen if you try that?” rather than “Don’t do that.”
When we move from power over to power with, we create influence through trust. That influence is how your connection stays strong, even as they grow more independent.
2. Encourage Curiosity About Fairness and Values
Parent: My teen constantly says, “It’s not fair.” How do I handle that without losing patience?
CPR Guidance: That concern with fairness is actually a sign of emotional growth. Your teen is exploring justice and morality. Instead of brushing it off, invite reflection by asking questions like, “What would make it feel fair to you?”
Talk about fairness in everyday life, from school rules to social issues. These conversations help your teen connect fairness with empathy, compassion, and responsibility, skills that will guide them long after adolescence. Encourage social justice and actions so that they can express themselves in empowering ways.
3. Lean Into Hard Conversations
Parent: Some topics, like sex or drugs, make me uncomfortable. Should I wait until my teen brings them up?
CPR Guidance: It’s better to open the door yourself. Teens crave honest, judgment-free spaces. When a sensitive topic comes up in a movie or online, pause and ask, “What do you think about that?” Then listen.
When you stay present through discomfort, you show your teen that you are a safe place for truth. It teaches them that openness, not avoidance, is how we build understanding.
Growing Together Through Change
Individuation doesn’t mean you’re losing your teen; it means both of you are growing. Your teen is discovering who they are, and you are learning how to love them in new ways. This season invites you to release control and nurture connection.
The Conscious Parenting Revolution reminds us that when we respond with understanding instead of knee jerk reaction, we create the foundation for lifelong trust and mutual respect. Through conscious awareness, the bond you share with your teen can deepen even as they seek independence.
Love and Blessings,
Katherine Sellery
