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Ever Been Bullied? It Could Be Your Fault!

Wait, before you start sending hate mail, please hear me out.  As someone who was bullied for years, I learned to cope with the humiliation and despair, but always felt there was something “wrong” with me.  When other people wanted to make me feel better they would almost always say the same thing, “Oh honey, there is nothing wrong with you, those kids are just mean…it’s not your fault…they are jealous of you.”  I was a sweet and loving kid that would never do anything to hurt someone.  So, it was easy to understand that it wasn’t my fault, but it was much harder for me to believe there wasn’t something wrong with me.  Oh, and jealous?  Jealous of what??  Jealous of feeling less?  Jealous of feeling ugly and rejected?  Jealous of being laughed at by bystanders that watched and did nothing?  Jealous of being scared out of my wits to go on the playground every day?  That statement “they’re just jealous of you” was just a straight up lie!  Don’t ever say that to someone being bullied!

If you have ever been bullied, you understand what I am talking about right now.  You didn’t want to hear another rousing encouragement attempt, no matter how sweet it is that they tried.  You wanted to know what was wrong with you that would make people treat you that way!  Well, I am here to tell you that there was, and maybe IS, something wrong with you that is causing all the bullying, but it may not be what you think.

Look at your life and ask yourself if the same type of people keep showing up.  I am going to share some traits and see if this describes those people that seem to latch on to you.

  • Has no patience with “stupid” people and at times tries to make you feel stupid
  • May complain about a clumsy waitress and be rude when not waited upon properly
  • Always finds a way to bring the conversation back to themselves
  • Has a constant need to be admired and respected, almost demanding of it
  • They don’t seem to have any kind of empathy toward “weaker” people
  • Always must be right and has a very difficult time believing they are wrong
  • Must always be the center of attention and can be quite charming

Think through your life and imagine the people that bullied you.  Did they have any of these traits?  Can you identify anyone in your life that you are currently dealing with that meets more than a few of these traits?

Now I want to ask you about your own personal traits.  Do you have any of the following traits?

  • Get overwhelmed when there are a lot of people around you
  • If there is someone angry in the room, you feel like any minute it will be turned toward you
  • When talking with someone new, you feel like they are going to “figure you out?”, so you keep a wall up and feel awkward
  • When you are around sad people, you can feel yourself getting depressed yourself
  • It is difficult for you to watch someone doing something embarrassing and you can feel panicked for them

Now, I know that I can’t fix everyone’s issues with this article, but what I hope to do is send you on a journey of understanding.  I believe that if you can put all the pieces together, life could begin to make more sense to you.  Even if you have never been bullied before, what I am about to share could change your life!

Every single one of us, broken down to our smallest particle, is made of energy.  We learned it in science class as an elementary student.  Protons, neutrons, electrons, you remember those elements, don’t you?  You and I are made of these elements.  It has been proven scientifically that even our thoughts have energy.  It can be physically measured!  Now I am going to share a term that you may or may not have heard of that has gotten a lot of attention over the last ten years.  It is called The Law of Attraction and it was brought into the light by a cheesy movie called “The Secret”.  It was mainly focused on getting rich and learning to get everything you ever dreamed of by simply thinking of it and feeling strongly about it as you thought about it.  That is the simple message, but most people think it’s a bunch of bull and would never stick with it long enough to see anything come to pass as the movie would suggest.  If it was true that we could just think it and it will happen, then everyone would win the lottery, be driving Lamborghinis, and be on the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous!  Right?  Well, even though there are a lot of holes in the movie, the Law of Attraction has merit and is worth looking deeper into to gain understanding of the world around us.

So, back to bullying and how it could be your fault.  The traits we identified earlier are the traits of people on opposite ends of the energy spectrum.  The first guy, who always must be respected and admired and seems to have no empathy toward others, is considered a “narcissist” or someone with narcissistic tendencies.  The second guy, who is uncomfortable around lots of people or becomes panicked when someone else is being embarrassed or harassed is called an “Empath” or “highly sensitive”.  People can fall anywhere on the energy scale, but the two described above are the extremes on both ends.  If you are a Sci-Fi nerd like me, it can be looked at as “the dark side” or “the force”.  Those that are on the dark side can appear to be good, but the energy they draw from is extremely negative and self-serving.  Those who have the force has potential for great power for good in the world and have an almost magical sense of feeling the energies around them.  Unfortunately, like in Star Wars, people who once were driven by the force can turn to the dark side when they are overwhelmed by the negative energy.  They can become cynical, negative, and hateful, even though they hold the power to be extremely positive and lift up the people around them.  Once the force is understood and these empaths begin to control it, they can become the light in the room instead of feeling awkward.  They can instantly feel the pain the people around them are feeling and pull them out of the darkness!

So what does this have to do with bullying?  I believe that most children that are being bullied are those meant to bring good to the world.  They have a special gift that God gave them that is not only extremely special, but can be used to bring about amazing change to the world around them!  When told “it isn’t your fault”, they know intuitively that this response is not exactly true.  While they can reason that they haven’t done anything to bring it on, they know that something is wrong with them and it is happening because of them.  It took me years to put the pieces together and understand the power I have and the reasons why I was bullied as a child and felt so uncomfortable around people.  I didn’t understand that I was special or had any kind of power.  I somehow had the ability to allow the bullying to “pass through me” and still love the person doing the bullying, but it still played havoc on my mind.  I still didn’t understand why!  There were times growing up that I was confident and felt the power, but as soon as I felt like something good was happening, it would be squashed by someone attacking me and throwing negativity on me.  I felt many times like a wounded dog about to be torn apart by the pack.  So, I learned to become numb and allow people to treat me badly, but cope with it.  My power for doing good was kept within the walls of my identity as a person not allowed to become happy.

If you have ever been bullied, then you are probably identifying with me right now.  That is a good thing, because I am here to tell you that you have something very special that needs to be understood and cultivated.  You have an ability to do great good and the reason all of this has been happening to you is because you draw people from the opposite end of the spectrum into your life.  These narcissists lack empathy and it is true that opposites attract in this case.  They love to attach themselves to you in some way to literally draw the energy out of you!  They want to make you feel less, so they can feel superior!

Can you see it?  I don’t know where you are in your life right now, but I am imagining that the people reading this article will range from those who were never bullied that are angry at my title to those that were intrigued or maybe even excited that somebody finally said it.  You may have already been pulled over to the dark side and feel like you have already completely lost your mind.  To this person I want to say that it is not too late to stop being controlled by the negativity that bombarded you and continues to be drawn into your life.  The great thing about the Law of Attraction is that you can choose to end the negativity and start moving in the other direction.  You can learn to remove those thought patterns that keep drawing more junk into your life and start seeing a brighter future.  It won’t happen overnight as the movie might suggest, but if you build one block at a time and realize how special you are, then it can happen over time.  For some, it may happen very quickly and you will learn to walk freely in your newly found power!

If this article is resonating with you, then I would encourage you to study The Law of Attraction and the personalities on the energy spectrum.  Specifically study the “Empath” and the “Narcissist” and allow God to direct you back into what He intended for you.  Although you may not know what it is yet, I can tell you without question that you have a great purpose to change the world around you in a positive way.  Like Luke Skywalker, you will bring balance to the force and maybe even free a Darth Vader or two!

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Best Practices Entrepreneurship Investing Management Marketing Negotiations Sales Skills Women In Business

7 Characteristics of a Bully and Why You Should Care

“In order to deal with a bully, you must know what one looks like.” -Greg Williams, The Master Negotiator & Body Language Expert

“He will lie to your face, and not give a damn if you know he’s lying!” Those were the exasperated words of one member on the same negotiation team to another.

Do you know anyone that possesses the following 7 characteristics? If so, they just might be a bully.

When involved in #negotiations with someone that’s overly aggressive or someone that’s an outright bully, you should take note of the following characteristics to identify who he is.

1. Bullies tend to be egocentric. They have to be the center of attention in order to satisfy their need to appear superior to others. Thus, they will belittle, demean, and put others down to maintain the appearance of their superiority.

2. Observe a bully’s associates. Bullies tend to bring like-minded people that are weaker and like himself into his fold; he uses the former as foils in the plots he perpetrates against others. The caveat being, the bully needs to be the leader and will only allow those in his immediate sphere that will subjugate themselves to him. Therefore, be mindful of the fact that unknowingly you’re also negotiating with his minions when you’re negotiating with him.

3. Bullies alter facts to make them fit the situation. Doing so is his attempt to psychologically arrest the logical thought process of others, in an attempt to bend their outlook to his will and perspective. When negotiating with him, be selective about the points you choose to address and be mindful of the retorts you offer to refute him. Facts may be viewed as demonic objects that cause you to lose sway with him.

4. Loyalty between a bully and his associates is good as long as there are no threats in his camp. Once threats occur, loyalty loses its two-way appeal; the appeal is revealed as nothing more then a tool he employs to trick others into following him. He will throw supporters under the bus and find blame with them to account for his short-comings!

5. A bully seeks constant praise from others because that feeds his ego and his need for self-aggrandizement. It serves as validation that he’s superior to others. Therefore, seek ways to praise a bully in a negotiation. That will endear you to him. Just make sure not to fall into his attempts to pull you closer to his views than is necessary.

6. Bullies lie incessantly because their view has to be the predominant one. Thus, they attempt to alter the outlook of others to make others conform to their perspective. This action of the bully is very dangerous because one never really knows what to believe when a bully speaks.

7. The only way a bully can rise to his perch is to do so by keeping others under the spell that he casts. Once he loses any appeal that makes others bow to him, he can become more aggressive in his attempts to reacquire the power he’s lost. That’s when he’s most dangerous. During such times, he may engage in activities that are very far outside the realm of rationality.

Dealing with bullies is always a dicey proposition. Being oblivious to his characteristics can lead to a stressful negotiation, one in which you may lose before you realize what has occurred. If you use the 7 traits above to identify with whom you’re dealing, you’ll have an idea of what you’re up against. From there, you can be on guard as to how you engage him in the negotiation … and everything will be right with the world.

Remember, you’re always negotiating! 

After reading this article, what are you thinking? I’d really like to know. Reach me at Greg@TheMasterNegotiator.com

To receive Greg’s free “Negotiation Tip of the Week” and the “Sunday Negotiation Insight” click here http://www.themasternegotiator.com/greg-williams/

#negotiatingwithabully #bully #bullies #bullying #uncoversecrets #hiddensecrets #Negotiation #Personal Development #HandlingObjections #Negotiator #HowToNegotiateBetter #CSuite #TheMasterNegotiator #psychology

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Best Practices Entrepreneurship Human Resources Investing Management Marketing Negotiations Sales Skills Women In Business

How to Use ‘Even-If’ to Win Hard Negotiations

“Even if you’re right about being wrong, you’re right. There’s power in the use of the ‘even-if’ proposition.” -Greg Williams, The Master Negotiator & Body Language Expert

To what degree do you seek creative solutions when involved in hard-nosed negotiations? Such negotiations can be extremely demanding and fraught with stress. When coupled with someone that’s a hard-type negotiator (i.e. a negotiator that either has a zero-sum perspective of the negotiation or someone that thrives on being obstinate in a negotiation), you can find yourself making unplanned concessions if you’re not mindful of what you’re doing.

One way to employ a creative solution when involved in a hard negotiation, is to use the ‘even-if’ strategy. It can quicken the pace on the path to a successful negotiation outcome. While it can be a viable ploy for you, you need to also be watchful of it being used against you.

What is the ‘even-if’ strategy:

Stated succinctly, the even-if strategy allows its user to stealthily subordinate the other negotiator’s proposition to his. The strategy avoids potential conflicts that might occur if the other negotiator’s point was addressed prior to addressing yours. Thus, using this strategy successfully, allows you to put your point into the forefront of the discussion and it alters the flow of the negotiation.

How to use ‘even-if’:

The strategy can be used to make your point prior to addressing the other negotiator’s perspective. It’s done in the hopes that your point will dilute or alter his thought process. To use the strategy, you can say something akin to, “even if we could save $10 million by accepting your offer, at this time, we do not have that much money to invest. I suggest we look at a solution that may be closer to the $5 million threshold.” By doing this, as stated above, you’ve repositioned yourself and his offer by utilizing this strategy in this manner.

Best time to employ ‘even-if’:

Anytime you wish to subordinate the opposing negotiator’s point or request to yours, is a good time to employ this strategy. While this strategy can be used at any point in any negotiation, it’s even more powerful when used with someone that’s aggressive or someone that attempts to bully you. In that case, the strategy mollifies the bully. You’re not stating that he’s crazy or irrational for making such an outlandish request, you’re first acknowledging him from a respectful aspect and simply stating that you can’t meet his offer. In so doing, you potentially side-step any aggressive behavior that might stem from his otherwise abusive demeanor.

How to defend from ‘even-if’:

Since this strategy is used to put one proposition on the table for discussion ahead of another, you should be mindful of when the other negotiator attempts to use this strategy against you. The way to defend against it is to simply state, ‘Okay, let’s discuss your point next.’ You can use the tonality of your voice to position this as a request or a statement. Then, go right into the point that you wanted to discuss. A smart negotiator may not let you get away with your attempt to place your agenda ahead of his. Thus, you must be prepared to decide if you’ll acquiesce on one point to receive a concession on your request later. Therein lies another way you can use this strategy. If you get into a give-and-take as to whose point will be discussed first, you can present a point that’s nothing more than a red herring to be sacrificed for this purpose.

Even if (wink) you never use this strategy, knowing about it will make you a better negotiator … and everything will be right with the world.

Remember, you’re always negotiating!

After reading this article, what are you thinking? I’d really like to know. Reach me at Greg@TheMasterNegotiator.com

To receive Greg’s free “Negotiation Tip of the Week” and the “Sunday Negotiation Insight” click here http://www.themasternegotiator.com/greg-williams/

#negotiatingwithabully #bully #bullies #bullying #uncoversecrets #hiddensecrets #Negotiation #Personal Development #HandlingObjections #Negotiator #HowToNegotiateBetter #CSuite #TheMasterNegotiator #psychology

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Best Practices Culture Entrepreneurship Human Resources Investing Management Marketing Negotiations Sales Skills Taxes Women In Business

In Negotiations With A Bully Watch Your Hidden Thoughts

“A hidden thought can lead your thinking into a dead-end. Avoid dead-end thinking. Be alert when engaging your mind in its thought process.” -Greg Williams, The Master Negotiator & Body Language Expert

In negotiations with a bully, you have to watch your hidden thoughts, or those thoughts will have you thinking wrong.

“You have to beat them like they’ve done something really bad. Whip them until their insides are mashed. Can you do that? Will you do that?”

After reading the above, what are your initial thoughts? What images came to mind? Were they the images of a tough guy giving an edict to his underlings, that they dare not disobey? Or, did you consider that something other then the questions posed was occurring?

The thoughts you had about the opening statements, and the images that came to your mind, where determined by what you’ve experienced in life and the outcomes of those experiences. That means, to a degree, your thoughts began to formulate as soon as you read the first few words of the statement. Then, your mind jumped ahead of what you were reading to assume where the unread words would take you. That’s good, and it’s dangerous. The good part stems from the way you assimilate information. The bad part stems from not monitoring your expectations before jumping to judgment.

The words at the opening of this article were spoken by a chef to one of the cooks in an establishment that both were employed. The chef was referring to the correct way to make an omelet. Thus, he was talking about beating and whipping eggs to obtain a certain degree of consistency to make omelets more palatable.

When negotiating with a bully, you must be more cognizant of the way you think. Your thought process will be altered, in the prefrontal cortex area of your brain, the brain region in which complex behavior – decision making – and the moderation of social behavior occurs. This part of your brain will become more active due to the bully’s demeanor. You may experience a higher degree of emotions stemming from the perception of a threat, be it implicit or explicit. Such an emotional state may cause you to disengage from your normal thought process, which could lead you into that dead-end mentioned at the top of this article.

To combat your hidden thoughts, take into consideration what the bully is saying versus what he’s doing. If there’s a disconnect between his words and his actions, pay more attention to his actions (e.g. he says he’s going to run you into the ground in this negotiation while backing away from you and/or smiling nervously). Having this insight and using it to calculate your next action will allow you to think more clearly. That will also allow you to uncover any hidden thoughts that might create a sense of being overly fearful of a negative occurrence being projected on to you.

Negotiating with a bully is always a challenging proposition, but that proposition can be lessened by thinking about the way you think. Heighten your sense of awareness when negotiating with a bully, by being aware of where your thought processes are leading your thoughts … and everything will be right with the world.

Remember, you’re always negotiating! 

After reading this article, what are you thinking? I’d really like to know. Reach me at Greg@TheMasterNegotiator.com

To receive Greg’s free 5-minute video on reading body language or to sign up for the “Negotiation Tip of the Week” and the “Sunday Negotiation Insight” click here http://www.themasternegotiator.com/greg-williams/

#negotiatingwithabully #bully #bullies #bullying #uncoversecrets #hiddensecrets #Negotiation #Personal Development #HandlingObjections #Negotiator #HowToNegotiateBetter #CSuite #TheMasterNegotiator #psychology

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Best Practices Body Language Entrepreneurship Human Resources Investing Management Marketing Negotiations Sales Skills Women In Business

Watch Emotional Abuse When Negotiating With A Bully

“Emotional abuse only occurs when you allow the abuser to control you. To defeat him, control his abusive efforts.” -Greg Williams, The Master Negotiator & Body Language Expert

When negotiating with a bully, watch the emotional abuse you incur and mind your responses to it.

Bullies make some people experience an array of feelings in a negotiation. They do so for the pleasure of feeling superior to the other negotiator in an effort to exert their dominance. The emotional feelings they attempt to invoke can range from fear to hate to happiness. Yes, bullies can make you feel happy as the result of relinquishing the pressure they’ve applied to you. That’s another reason why you should monitor your emotions. You want to check them so you can display the proper response, based on your position in the negotiation at particular points. When it comes to watching your emotions take note of the following.

Fear:

Fear can invoke primal actions within you. When fearful, your normal thought process shuts down. Depending on the degree of fear you experience, your body prepares for a fight, flight, or freeze scenario. That deliberation can cause you to be thrown off your negotiation game (i.e. forget the negotiation strategies you’d planned to implement).

When you sense that you’re experiencing fear in a negotiation, note its cause. Consider to what degree its source will devastate you and your future position. The point is, diminish your thoughts of fear by contemplating how you can assuage it before continuing the negotiation, and recognize when it has you in its grips.

Anger:

Anger is another stealer of normal thoughts. It can be stoked by fear, which is also the reason you should control your perspective of fear and ager.

When angered, you can lose your perspective and rationalization. Thus, to negotiate from a mindset of anger will not serve you, it serves the other negotiator, instead.

Therefore, be aware of when the other negotiator is intentionally attempting to gouge you by instilling fear into the negotiation. Also, be mindful of what his attempts might look like before entering the negotiation. This can be accomplished by role-playing ahead of time. Just be mindful of elucidating your mind to how fear might be used against you, and be prepared to thwart such efforts.

Happiness:

Most people seek happiness as a constant state of mind. Our body seeks it too. Thus, when we’re not in a state of happiness, our mind will attempt to guide our actions back towards that state. It will also do ‘things’ to stay in that state, even if those ‘things’ are to our future detriment. It’s because of the latter that you should be hyper-vigilant when you’re in a state of happiness that’s been caused by a bully’s actions. You may not be off the hook. Instead, you may have been unknowingly placed deeper onto one.

To combat a bully’s effort to mentally manipulate you through the use of happiness, understand his motives for doing so. If his efforts don’t serve you, don’t appease him by succumbing to this tactic. Remain stern.

Anyone’s emotions can be strained when negotiating with a bully. Suffice it to say, you should stay on top of your emotions when negotiating with a bully more so than with other types of negotiators. Bullies can invoke extreme passion within you, which is why it’s so important to be mindful. If you’re aware of what can ‘set you off’, and not allow it to cloud your actions or judgment under such circumstances, you’ll be able to think clearer and negotiate better. That alone will give the bully cause for doubt, which means you’ll be turning his tactics against him. Doing so will allow you to maintain greater control in the negotiation … and everything will be right with the world.

Remember, you’re always negotiating! 

After reading this article, what are you thinking? I’d really like to know. Reach me at Greg@TheMasterNegotiator.com

To receive Greg’s free 5-minute video on reading body language or to sign up for the “Negotiation Tip of the Week” and the “Sunday Negotiation Insight” click here http://www.themasternegotiator.com/greg-williams/

#bully #bullies #bullying #uncoversecrets #hiddensecrets #Negotiation #Personal Development #HandlingObjections #Negotiator #HowToNegotiateBetter #CSuite #TheMasterNegotiator #psychology