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Can we ban normal, please?

“Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly” ~ Morticia Addams

Normal, by definition, is conforming to a standard; usual, typical or expected. (Oxford Languages)

As a non-conformist, normal gives me a twitchy eye.

Normal is subjective and perceptual. My “normal” is not the same as your “normal”. So, who’s normal is right? Besides, technically, when we force another to conform or fit into our own definition of normal, and they don’t want to, we are technically exhibiting abusive behavior.  *Insert twitchy eye*

Before you read further, I want to let you know that normal and I? We do not get along. I tried this normal stuff. I am not a fan.

In my experiences, normal is a societal belief that underlies many of the mental health issues we face, desensitizing us and has caused us to fear our individuality and uniqueness. So to say I would like to eliminate the ideas of “normal” is an understatement. With that said, I will share with you why I feel this way. Feel free to share your take on normal. I would love to know!

I see this behavior in the teens a lot, and because teens tend to reflect back what they are taught by the rest of us, once I noticed this in them, I really began to notice this everywhere.

Normal = acceptance. We tend to accept anything we have been told is normal, resulting in us accepting quite a bit in our society that is actually contributing to our distress and turmoil. When we want someone to accept something new we know they are going resist, we tell them it’s normal. 2020 is a great example of this. Please don’t do this.

Have you heard the question “when are we going to get back to normal?” Sure, we tend to be extremely resistant to change. I thank “normal” for this resistance we have developed. I understand the desire to go back to what we know. Does going back to “normal” make everything better? Spoiler alert: the answer is no. It only makes it familiar. We have evolved. Going backwards to familiar? This is not a good idea.

Our fear of change causes our selective memories to kick in and attempts to get us to go back to or maintain the normal.

A few statements we say that we have used to normalize things we know are abnormal:

  • “Don’t worry, it is normal to feel sick when you take those pills to not make you sick.”
  • “It is normal that politicians lie.”
  • “It is normal to feel like you don’t fit in.”
  • “It is normal that he/she treats other people like shit. You’ll get use to it as you spend time with them.”
And my favorite: “If you continue to do that, no one will think you are normal.” If you want to shame someone and force them to conform to your definition of normal, this is one way to do that. (For the record: I don’t recommend this.)

We accepted side effects, lying politicians, low self-worth, and shitty behavior from those around us as normal. When we accepted these as normal, it made setting any limitations to prevent these things very difficult.

If we use a different word, such as “expected”, in place of normal, we get a different tone to the statement.

It may be expected that you will or do feel like you don’t fit in. However, it doesn’t need to be accepted and it can be changed. It may be expected that politicians lie, but that behavior doesn’t need to be accepted.

We are desensitizing ourselves to life. We are full of fear. We fear being who we are. We fear change. We fear judgment. We know we don’t want any of this fear, yet, here we are, full of fear.

Instead of addressing the root cause, we have decided to medicate ourselves to conform to “normal”. Our mental health has declined and addiction rates have skyrocketed. In all of this, feelings have become abnormal. Feelings are intrinsic and a result of our thoughts. We cannot separate the two, yet we certainly are giving it our best attempts.

Here are nonverbal behaviors we have normalized:

  • Working until we burnout
  • Work in careers that we hate
  • Live beyond our means to simply prove our worth.
  • Anxiety/Depression
  • Over-scheduling kids and not allowing them to be kids, which teaches them how to not “just be”, and it also over schedules us. Which leaves no downtime, for anyone. Hi, burnout!
  • Not taking time off to rest when sick

Certainly, there are standards by which we can and need to measure things in life. Those standards, though, do not indicate normal. Common? Yes. Typical? Sure. Normal? No.

In business, how many times in a week do we chalk something up to normal, only to come to the conclusion down the road that normal cost us time/money/product/customers? Normal can even cost us our reputations in business.  If you aren’t sure, spend a week observing how many times you say “normal” or assume something is “normal”.  Notice how many times you behave in a “normal” way, and then take a look at what you noticed. What is helpful and what is harmful? How can you change the stuff that isn’t helping?

As parents, have you ever said “We need to look like a normal family. Please don’t act up.”? I have when my kids were young. You know what I realized with that statement? It planted a seed of shame in my kids. I have struggled with knowing I said that, for years. I projected my own insecurities of being judged onto 2 human beings who didn’t know how to carry that kind of weight. If you are unsure, spend a week observing how many times you reference normal, and then at the end of the week, look at the information. What is helping, what is harming? How can you change what isn’t helping? Include your kids on this one. They love this kind of stuff and will help them learn how to be more aware as well!

Overall, how many times do we turn a blind eye to something, and say “Oh that is normal. It will be fine.”, when we could have spoken up about something we saw and knew wasn’t fine?

Normal is comfortable, not healthy and many times is not safe like we want to believe it is. Developing our situational awareness can help reduce the amount of times we turn a blind eye. If you would like more information on situational awareness programs, reach out to Brian Searcy, Col. (Ret) USAF, Paratus Group.

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer

If we want to be able to embrace and flow with change that is ever present in life, my recommendation is this:

Eliminate “normal”. 

Give yourself permission to not compare, to not do something just because it is what you were told was normal.  See what happens. Open up your curiosity, explore new ideas and new ways of doing things. Throw that normal box in the recycling bin. Stretch yourself beyond normal.

Be curious. Be human. Be non-conforming.

Be uniquely you. You are awesome.

Charity Buhrow has spent her life redefining her “normal” life, shifting it from an extrinsically motivated life to an intrinsically motivated life. The results have allowed her to be able to reclaim her zen, and now she helps others do the same. If you are ready to get out of that box of normal discomfort, and reclaim your own zen, connect with her here!

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