Author: Cindy Watson

Why Junkyard Dog Negotiating Doesn’t Work

For too long we’ve defined success in negotiations based on a mistaken belief that toughness carries the day. We’ve been conditioned to believe that the person who brings a take-no-prisoners approach is going to ‘win’. This leads to junkyard dog tactics and styles that don’t serve anyone. I invite you to flip the story you’ve been told and be open to the idea that gentler strategies may get you better outcomes.

Let me note at the outset that I’m not preaching from on high. I’ve been guilty of buying into this myth myself. For a long time in my legal practice, my clients called me the barracuda. They meant it as the highest compliment … and I wore that moniker like a badge of honour for a long time. But there’s a high cost that comes with these winner-take-all approaches.

This conflict-based approach, in part, derives from how we define power. Conditioning around power is another problem that interferes with our ability to step into our best negotiating selves. At the heart of many conflicts is an underlying sense of powerlessness. Yet what is power? How do we define it? How do we get it? How do we use if effectively? Sadly, there is too little thought given to these questions. We often buy into a misguided sense of what it means to have, hold, or exert power. We’re encouraged (sometimes subtly, sometimes not so much so) to crave power. Our entertainment industry even has us cheering on anti-heroes in their quest for power at any cost.

I invite you to reframe how you look at power so you can bring it to the bargaining table in more elegant and constructive ways. We’ve been taught to view power as power over others versus power with.

It’s an important distinction to make. When we seek to exert power over others, we miss out on valuable opportunities to find creative solutions that better benefit all. By contrast, when we bring empathy to the table, truly seeking to understand and meet the needs of others, seeking to find power together (i.e. power with others) we can secure better outcomes, better buy-in, better relationships, and longer-lasting agreements.

Bringing empathy can be difficult in a negotiation where you find the other party particularly reprehensible. If someone is antagonistic, short-tempered, bullying or trying to exert power over you, you may be tempted to respond in kind.  It can be challenging to put yourself in their position and seek to understand their point of view.

But we never know what someone is going through in their life. All of us, at some point, are guilty of showing up as lesser versions of ourselves. I have no doubt that going through menopause, I was not always my most cooperative self. Or as I dealt with the pain of discovering a serious mental health issue with one of my children while simultaneously coping with the agonizing process of placing my mom in a long-term care facility, I’m quite sure there were days when I was less than a gracious bargaining counterpart.

We can weigh down negotiations with our false assumptions. As popstar, Amanda Marshall, sang, “Everybody’s got a story that could break your heart.” Try to imagine that story. Envision the goodness in that person to call on your empathy.

Note that you’ll want to be aware of both your own ego and the ego of the other party. In life generally, and in negotiations in particular, it can seem like we’re constantly bumping up against each other’s egos. Sometimes this happens intentionally. You may come up against someone who presents their ego like a battering ram, butting heads with you. If you reciprocate in kind, presenting your ego, you’ll both continue to bang heads and lock horns, almost certainly losing any prospect of achieving best outcomes.

Sometimes ego bumping happens unintentionally, more like slam dancing, where you’re not intending to bash into the other party like the battering ram ego, but rather, you’re both bouncing around with your egos in an agitated, high-energy state, and banging into each other as a logical consequence of that state. Or maybe it’s like blindfolded Twister ego bumping, where one or both are stumbling through the negotiation with blinders on, your egos bumping up against each other like things that go bump in the night. Raising your awareness about ego will help you avoid these eventualities and allow for better approaches and solutions.

Instead, I invite you to ground yourself before responding. Allow your reptilian brain to adjust and release the triggered state. Take a deep breath and invoke a mantra that gives you choice in how to respond. i.e. “I’m powerfully grounded, calm, collected, and compelling.” Choose the 3 words that best describe how you want to show up. You can tap into your personal 3-words by substituting them for the ‘calm, collected and compelling’ example above. From that state, you can choose how you ought to respond.

You may choose to call out ‘bad’ behaviour, but not from a place of reactivity, but rather, by inviting the other party to be the best version of themselves. For example, you could say, “I know that treating people with dignity and respect is important to you. So, I assume you’re not trying to offend or steamroll me here. Let’s take a step back and reset the clock to see if we can’t find a better way to reach both our best outcomes.” Do you see how this allows you to take back power, while still inviting a collaborative approach?

Maybe next time you go to the bargaining table (whether personally or professionally) try to leave your junkyard dog at home and instead try on the Art of Feminine Negotiation™, a more collaborative approach to help you get more.

Ten Tips on How to Build Rapport to Get More

If you want to get more in your negotiations and in life, it’s time you master the skill of rapport-building. Rapport building is all about relationship. If you want best outcomes you need to find ways to make connection (rather than break it) and build bridges (rather than tearing them down).

If you’re not someone who easily connects with others, don’t despair. Rapport-building is not an elusive gift you’re born with innately or destined to do without. While some people seem to instantly connect with others, others need to build it with intention. Rapport building can be instantaneous, or it can take time to develop. It can grow naturally, or you can develop it with attention to the art.

If you’re looking to up-level your skills at building rapport in negotiations (and in life), here’s 10 quick tips on how to do it.

• Be Authentic

Always be authentic. Oscar Wilde quips: ‘Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.’ This is still solid advice. Avoid the temptation to adopt a persona that’s unnatural for you. That approach will break rapport. Know and perfect your natural negotiation style rather than trying to emulate someone else’s.

Building rapport is a hot topic these days, with ‘how to’ resources popping up everywhere. I encourage you to practice skills to build rapport but caution you to err on the side of being yourself as you work on the new skills becoming natural. It’s easy to get stuck in your head, over-thinking the ‘how’ and losing your natural charisma in the process.

• Focus on Making a Good First Impression

First impressions matter. We tend to have a visceral reaction to others within seconds of meeting so it’s important to invite a positive reaction from the outset. Get yourself in a positive state and show up with an inviting posture, genuine smile, and warmth in your eyes.

• Find Common Connection

Avoid jumping straight to business, but also avoid the common advice to create banal small talk as a rapport-builder. Try to find a more meaningful common interest or connection. Find your shared humanity. That’s a much better place from which to build rapport.

• Get Curious

Most people like to talk about themselves. Get curious. Ask open questions. Discover what brings them joy. What are they passionate about? Ask some variation of ‘tell me about yourself’ and you’ll be on track to build connection and rapport.

• Give a Compliment

Find something you can truly acknowledge that you appreciate about the other person. A sincere compliment goes a long way to kickstart rapport.

• Use the Person’s Name

We all like to be seen. Calling the other person by name early in the conversation creates connection and familiarity. But be sure you have the person’s correct name. Nothing breaks rapport like mispronouncing someone’s name, or worse, calling them by the wrong name.

• Be Honest

Be candid if you want to build rapport and trust. Admit when you don’t know the answer to something. Acknowledge mistakes. Many believe this undermines credibility and rapport, when the opposite is true. Being honest builds rapport, humanizing us and making us more relatable and trustworthy.

• Create Shared Experiences

Spending time together and sharing experiences outside the negotiation process can boost the connection process. You don’t have to engage in a high ropes challenge together but find an activity with potential to create connection.

Tied to this, strategically sharing personal information can be powerful to build trust and connection. Don’t prematurely over-share, but gradually increase intimacy so the other party feels they know you and become comfortable sharing with you.

• Mirror & Match

Be careful about today’s popular advice to mimic the other party in a negotiation (i.e. cross your arms or legs if they do). It takes practice and skill to do effectively. You need to be discreet or it can break rapport. A better starting place is to note the speech patterns, tone, tempo, and volume of the other party. Try to match those elements to increase the opportunity for connection.

• Inject Humor

Humor is a great antidote and connection-builder. Laughter releases the feel-good chemicals (endorphins) in our body, which opens the way for better bonding.

If you lose rapport in a negotiation, don’t ignore the elephant in the room. Be humble. Address why you lost rapport. Take ownership and apologize if appropriate. Get curious and determine how to get back on track.

Women often worry about their negotiation prowess. It’s worth noting that rapport-building is typically regarded as a ‘feminine’ trait. This isn’t surprising. In a world where for too long, they enjoyed so few rights, women were required to develop the skill. Their survival depended on becoming adept at developing relationships.

Practice these approaches so they become natural, and you can slip into rapport-building mode authentically. This lies at the heart of my Art of Feminine Negotiation™ approach, designed to get you better negotiated outcomes. Building better relationships will get you better negotiated outcomes.

Why Timing and Leverage are Key

There are a lot of strikes happening recently. We can’t turn on the news without hearing about another looming potential strike. As usual, the media are missing the point and mischaracterizing the issues in dispute. As I was stewing about the myths and misconceptions around unions and strikes, I also got thinking about the importance of timing and leverage in negotiations generally – and how under-appreciated these key factors are in getting best outcomes.

The leverage you have in any given negotiation depends in part on how much each party needs the deal in question vis-à-vis each other and the relative value of each party’s BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement).

Timing and circumstances can change your respective leverage. For instance, the leverage that mask producers held pre-COVID was dramatically less than it was at the height of the pandemic when masks were in short supply. And who would have believed that those with the ability to sell or provide toilet paper would have held such leverage as they did during the toilet paper shortages early in the pandemic?

Using strikes as an example to further illustrate the point of timing and leverage, it’s easy to appreciate that if workers commenced a strike during COVID, when their business was not operational, they would have no leverage whatsoever. The timing would be terrible. The Employer would have no incentive to meet the Union demands when the business was not operational in any event. Make sense?

The same holds true for any negotiation. Timing is important. The extent of your leverage will likely depend on timing. Heck, some people don’t even realize when a negotiation has already started. Most negotiations commence before the formal ‘sit-down’. If you’re not aware that the other party has already started negotiating (and laying the foundation for the negotiation) you may well be standing in the path of an invisible wrecking ball.

Part of the preparation for any negotiation is strategically considering the most advantageous timing to maximize best outcomes. Is there a time when the other party’s needs will be greater, thereby giving you more leverage? Again, using the strike scenario as an example, a Christmas dependent business would be more devastated by a strike occurring during that peak season.

The opposite is also true. In determining the most advantageous timing you need to consider if there is a time when the other party’s needs for what you offer will be lower, thereby giving you less leverage. For example, teachers would have less leverage if they threatened a strike during the summer months when the schools are closed and their absence would have little impact.

Time of year, month and even time of day can give more or less leverage depending on the circumstances. Be tactical and deliberate where possible. Maximize every possible advantage to getting better outcomes.

Another aspect of timing is urgency. Does one party have greater urgency for the item/issue which is the subject of the negotiation? The party with the greater ability to wait arguably has more leverage. I recall the COVID testing rules changing while I was away on business, and I needed a PCR test urgently and immediately to get back home. Needless to say, I had less leverage in bargaining price-point for the test.

Also consider how much time to allot for negotiations. Some negotiations shouldn’t be rushed, whereas sometimes urgency is your friend. Be sure you don’t allow the other party to use time against you with pressure tactics or artificial time limits, depriving you of the opportunity to fully consider your position.

Kids intuitively invoke timing in their negotiations. They know it’s better to wait to ask for what they want until you’re in a good mood. Or when you need to get out the door in 2 minutes to make your meeting and your child is lollygagging, they likely hold more leverage in the moment as you need them out the door more than they need to get out the door.

Consider your past negotiations. When has timing helped or hindered your leverage? We often see time as our enemy. I invite you to make time your friend in negotiations. You can do this by getting more intention about timing and the leverage it gives you.

The key to controlling a negotiation is likely not what you expect. In fact, it’s probably the opposite of what you’re hoping to hear. I suspect the answer will not be popular. When I searched for the most attractive titles for this article, any variation of the actual answer barely registered on the scoreboard, but as soon as I keyed in ‘how to control a negotiation’ the numbers lit up.

Here’s the best kept secret …

The key to controlling your negotiations is to let go of control.

But apparently, ‘Letting Go of Control to Get Better Outcomes in Negotiations’ is not a sexy title.

That’s not a surprise. In fact, that’s one of the motivators that kick-started my mission to reframe how we define control, power, success, and negotiation. For too long we’ve been conditioned to frame these concepts based on a competitive model, when the reality is that bringing so-called ‘feminine’ traits to the table will secure better outcomes, better relationships, better buy-in, longer-lasting agreements and more creative solutions that benefit all. And so The Art of Feminine Negotiation™ was born.

Our competitive ‘win-lose’ approach typically has us defining control as control over others rather than control ‘with’ others. Even dictionary definitions define control as ‘dominating, commanding, exerting control over others’.

I was guilty of this in my litigation practice for many years. I was known as the Barracuda, and I prided myself on controlling every possible aspect of the negotiations and beyond. We see this approach in law, in business, in sales, in politics and more. Sadly, we’ve come to define success based on these approaches.

Likewise, we tend to try to exert power over others rather than with others. My article on How to Get and Use Power in Negotiations had a similar reframing theme. Most conflict arises over perceived lack of power or control. Imagine if we reframe how we look at it and how we approach it to more constructive ends.

How about you? Do you find yourself trying to control any of the following in your negotiations?

• Location:

  We often see power jostling over where negotiations are going to take place. Each party fights to exert control over the setting, hoping to gain some advantage.

• Outcomes:

  Similarly, most people think it’s a sign of ‘victory’ in a negotiation if they’re able to push their agenda and only focus on the outcomes they seek.

• Pace:

  Whether consciously or not, we often even control the pace of our negotiations, barrelling along at the speaking pace we find most comfortable.

• Tone:

  Likewise, we rarely pay attention for cues about the tone the other party may prefer, choosing instead to set the tone on our terms.

• Information:

  We’ve also been conditioned to try to control the flow of information. We tend to hold our cards close to our chest, while at the same time, dominating the dialogue, believing that the person talking the loudest and longest is ‘winning’ the negotiation.

Allow me to offer a different perspective so you can choose to be more intentional in your negotiations going forward, rather than buying into old conditioning that may not serve you.

Here are a few tips to help you reframe your approach to control …

• Rather than seeking to exert control over the other party or the negotiation process, instead, seek to build consensus through collaboration.
• If you find your ego showing up, tamper it down and immediately switch the focus to the other party.
• Get curious.
• Ask questions.
• Listen more than you talk.
• Rather than trying to control the pace, instead try to match the pace of the other party.
• Take your cues on tone from the other party.
• Be willing to be vulnerable.
• Seek to truly understand and meet the needs of the other party.
• Consider location with greater intention. Instead of trying to insist on a ‘home field’ advantage as a means of exerting control and power, consider that other locations may serve you better. i.e. consider access to information, mood, atmosphere, comfort, etc.
• Allow the other party to feel in control of the process with you.
• Try to see the issue(s) from the other party’s perspective.
• Build trust by ceding control on certain items.

Remember that we can’t always control our external circumstances, but we can choose to control how we react. Others may not remember what you said, but they will remember how you make them feel. Be intentional about creating an environment where they feel seen, heard and valued. You will get more of what you want in doing so.

It always struck me as ironic that St. Patrick’s Day fell within Lent. To have the religious observance dedicated to enduring temptation usurped by a holiday that invites revelry and excess seems counter-productive. Or perhaps it’s intended as the ultimate test of self-discipline.
I often preach that all of life is a negotiation and that our first and most important negotiation is with ourselves … negotiating our mindset. One of the most challenging mindset negotiations is negotiating the self-discipline to avoid temptations.
Let’s face it – temptations are everywhere. Some are placed in front of us by outside sources. And if we’re really honest with ourselves, some are created by us as a means of avoidance, keeping us off course from achieving our goals and greater vision.
So how can we negotiate past temptation? Here’s a few tips to set you on the path.

I  Recognize the Root of the Temptation

When temptation creeps in, take a moment to explore its root. Is it boredom? Avoidance? Peer pressure? Self-sabotage? Conditioning?
It is often the case that succumbing to temptations is rooted in a belief that we don’t deserve and a corresponding resistance to receiving. Deep-rooted fear of success can cause us to sabotage ourselves on the path to our visions.
Practicing unconditional self-love is a great antidote to this problem.

II Identify Your Triggers

Once you get a handle on the root of your distracting temptations, explore your triggers. They can be external or internal cues that evoke an emotional response or craving. What things are likely to trigger your cravings? It can be people, places, situations, emotions and even thoughts.
Self-reflection and journaling can help ID your triggers. Asking others close to you to weigh in can also be valuable in this exercise.

III Remove Yourself from the Situation

One effective way to avoid temptation is to remove yourself from the situation. Simply walk away. If you know you won’t have the resilience to avoid giving in to the temptation, then walk away from it (whether in advance or in the moment).

IV Practice Mindfulness and Self-Awareness

Mindfulness is a valuable tool to develop emotional resilience. Between every stimulus and response is a pause. In that moment of pause you have the ability to choose your reaction. There is great power in that pause.
Engage a simple breathing exercise to regain control of your emotion and allow rationale decision-making to take over. Be fully present in the moment and give yourself the space and grace to choose your action with intention.

V Find Alternatives

If you’ve done the work to identify your triggers and recognize the root of your temptations, you can plan alternatives in advance. Rather than grabbing that remote control or drink or chocolate (or whatever your Achilles heel happens to be) you can choose a more constructive alternate activity, etc.

VI Have a Concrete Plan

Set long-term goals to avoid short-term impulses. Having clarity around your vision and the steps to achieve it make it easier to stick to the vision (as opposed to fuzzy ideas about your future).
Note that it’s not necessary to live in deprivation to achieve your bold dreams. Be sure to build in rewards and downtime as part of your plan. Be intentional so you’re less likely to give in to sabotaging impulses in the moment.

VII Use Visualization

Visualization is an effective tool for living into your long-term goals and to avoid temptation in the moment. When you run into a potential trigger, take a moment to visualize your highest self and action. Allow yourself to bask in the benefits of that higher path to distract you from the short-term diversion.

VIII Practice the Art of ‘No’

If peer pressure or people-pleasing are your nemesis, then practice the art of saying ‘No’. It’s important to set boundaries and get comfortable with positive ways to deliver a ‘no’ so that you don’t let other people’s priorities get in the way of pursuing your own.

You’ll notice that some of these strategies involve invoking distraction while others require the practice of willpower. Both will help with self-control and assist in over-riding emotional impulses that don’t serve you. Take control of your life. Choose your destiny and the path to get there. Negotiating a strong mindset will allow you to develop the self-discipline and strategies to avoid temptation.

This morning, as I was eating my breakfast, I heard a news story about two moms who got into a fist fight on a school bus when they intervened in an argument their children were having over a toy. It got me thinking about the dysfunctional way we’re conditioned to resolve conflict. It also got me thinking about the example we set for our children when we negotiate.

We have increasingly been conditioned to view conflict as a win/lose proposition. With that mindset, we’re similarly led to believe that negotiation is a competition where ‘winning’ is the goal. We seek to exert power over others. Perceived power is the driving force.

I’d like to invite you to consider that this entire model is upside down and leads to dysfunctional worst results. In fact, it was this realization that prompted me to create the Art of Feminine Negotiation™ model. After years of litigating in a flawed legal system, where winning at all costs had become the model, I recognized that there was a better way to negotiate.

At its heart, the Art of Feminine Negotiation is about building rapport, bringing empathy to the table, being flexible, tapping into your intuition, and building trust. It’s about putting yourself fully in the shoes of the other party, to truly seek to understand their position and needs to determine if you can meet those needs while still getting a best outcome for yourself.

When we buy into an approach that promotes ‘winning’, we immediately position ourselves to overpower the other party, rather than seeking ways to find power with the other party. This is a simple but profound distinction. It’s the difference between working against each other versus working with each other to find superior outcomes.

Effective negotiation requires that we acknowledge and address our fears so we can avoid the kind of lizard-brain response we saw with these two moms throwing punches on a school bus. Elevated negotiation necessitates surrendering our ego and turning our attention to the needs of the other party. It requires us to consider our attachment to our own positions and ideas to meaningfully consider those of the other party instead and to remain flexible to move away from our initial positioning to find better outcomes whenever possible.

And while it should be obvious, but rarely gets practices, it requires that we avoid reactivity. We are increasingly encouraged in the current volatile and polarized culture that ‘might’ matters. Much of our entertainment (and sadly, increasingly the real world) glorifies seeking and exercising power over others in all aspects of our lives.

In advance of any negotiation, you will be better served by considering who you want to show up as. Who do you want to be? How do you want to be seen by the other party? How do you want to make them feel? How can you best get buy-in? How can you find mutual best results? What impact do you want for the relationship in question? This approach will yield far better results that simply seeking to exert your will.

While the fight in the case at hand was over a simple toy, make no mistake that this was a negotiation. There are a myriad of ways these mothers could have modelled better behaviour and practices to resolve the issue. Rather than viewing the conflict as one they had to ‘win’ at all costs, they could have seen it as an opportunity for a valuable life lesson in healthy ways to resolve differences of opinion.

Leaving aside the horrific example these two women set for a busload of impressionable children, I invite you to consider, with intention, in advance of every negotiation, what example you would like to set for your children if they were watching you negotiate. Adopt an approach that would make you proud to have them learn from your example.

Is Negotiating for the Principle a Solid Strategy or Not?

Parties often get so caught up in the so-called principle (with a capital ‘P’) that they lose sight of superior outcomes laying before them on the proverbial bargaining table. This is such a common occurrence (as a story as old as time) that I thought it worth exploring the good, bad, and ugly of negotiating for ‘principle’.

In my legal career I’ve seen many a deal go sideways when one (or both) parties dig in based on a purported principle. We see this phenomenon in business as well. Significant business opportunities can be lost or overlooked when parties have tunnel vision over the underlying principle. We also see internalized ‘principles’ damage negotiations in our personal lives and so jeopardize personal relationships.

Being too attached to any one idea can deprive us of the flexibility to find creative positive outcomes.

It’s important to remember that our reality is based on our thoughts and the meaning we attach to these thoughts. Perception and perspective are key. Not only are our perceptions and perspective unique to us, but they are often flawed. Humans are notoriously bad at perspective taking.

Yet we’re seeing increased polarization in the world today as we increasingly double down on entrenched versions of our beliefs, not leaving any room to explore the viewpoints of others. Not leaving room for meaningful consideration other perspectives and perceptions.

Best outcomes are achieved when we approach negotiations with empathy, a desire to truly understand and meet the needs of the other party. Standing on purported ‘principle’ can often mask what is really an inflexible belief in the moral superiority and correctness of our position without regard to potential differing approaches or ideas. This can be a dangerous baseline from which to bargain.

Having said that, there are times when it’s important to stand on principle and use negotiation as a tactic to an intended end. If, for example, the goal (at least in part) of a particular discussion or negotiation is to achieve increased awareness or deterrence on an important issue, principle can be an effective launch pad.

I had this experience recently dealing with an issue on behalf of my son. I’m a big believer in moving past lip service on mental health issues. We’re long overdue on blasting past the stigma that still surrounds discussions on mental health.

My son was diagnosed with a mental health issue at the outset of COVID. To his credit, he has been very transparent and vulnerable about his condition. Yet, in 3 successive jobs where his employer loved him and he received exceptional performance feedback, immediately upon discussing his mental health status he found himself summarily terminated. Not surprisingly, as a social justice attorney I found this untenable (not to mention unlawful). Yet my son did not want to take action. He was content to take his lumps and choose to continue to stay transparent about his situation to give voice to the issues, rather than carrying shame.

For the last termination, however, I convinced him that standing on principle was important. Accordingly, I proceeded to negotiate a significantly enhanced termination package, resting on the principle of the protection against discrimination based on disability. I refused to back away from keeping this important principle front and centre in the discussions so as to ensure accountability, increased awareness and deterrence for any such future discriminations.

Knowing when a principle is worth standing on is key. I invite you to challenge your own principles to determine the legitimacy of the foundation and whether it is a true and reliable driver for the negotiation rather than a convenient filter to avoid considering other potentially legitimate viewpoints.

Something to think about.